Three Things

The way I see it, there are three things that determine most of the satisfaction in one's life. Those three things would include occupation, quality of life, and relationships.

Currently I am still working at the GAP Outlet, and looking for a new job with more hours and more recognition and fairness. On August 8th, I had a job interview at Express in a larger mall. It was a group interview. I interviewed with 4 other girls, who were significantly under-qualified in comparison to me.

It wasn't until yesterday that they called me back to give me the good news that they wanted to hire me. I knew they would call, but there are other things going on that are keeping me stuck at the GAP. Thank goodness they they put me on a waiting list. The bad part, I lose the chance if I wait more than a month.

This is where we move onto quality of life. As you previously saw, I am dissatisfied with my job. My job is having a major impact on my quality of life. My hours are inconsistent therefore I never know how much money I will have coming in and what I will have extra or if I will even have what I need to pay my bills.

My car is falling apart on top of all of this, and I don't have any money to replace it at the time. I'm trying to get financed for a replacement but so far, no luck. I need to get a new job to get more money but I can't get a new job because there will be NO way of getting financed if I've only had a job for less than a year.

So at this point in my story I have a job that I hate and a chance to get a new job that I can't take but wish I could because it would improve my quality of life that is so low because of the dissatisfying job that I have. Keeping up? Hope so.

Relationships would be the last piece that determines the satisfaction in one's life. Some people might even argue that it can make everything better even when everything else if fucked up. I think I might believe that if it happened to me... but it hasn't.

Aneta is pissing me off in every direction, she's had this attitude since I turned 18 like, "Do it on your own." On the other hand Madame Dupont is such a lazy bitch that I can't bare to be home when she is. And just to throw it out there, they need to get it on already. Damn dikes.

Then we have Charles and his lover who now live together and bicker incessantly. They're driving me up a wall. They both come to me and talk shit about one another. They should just break up or stop being such catty queens. I can't handle the stress of lying to each of them when they ask if the other says the same things.

Stevenson is last. Stevenson is the reason that I haven't written lately. I feel as if he doesn't approve of this blog or anything that I have to say in it. I know the first time that I had mentioned him, it wasn't really in good context but who's fault is that? Not mine.

I haven't seen him in about two weeks which is a little frustrating but it's almost done and has passed quicker that I had expected. We've hardly spoken over these two weeks, and I don't really know why? OH WAIT! I DO! Because he ignores me. He said we'd skype, but that never happened even when I suggested it. He hasn't called me once, he's just bbm'd me infrequently. I can't even get a well written sentence (but his Facebook and Twitter can).

I thought that getting mad might make him see that he's fucking up... I was wrong. He apologized and the next day, things were the way I hoped they wouldn't be. Then I tried the opposite approach. I then told him not to text me until he came home, then after not speaking most of the day, I apologized to him letting him think he had me around his finger. That didn't work either.

Now here I sit writing this blog, while he thinks I'm sleeping because I'd rather just know why he's not talking to me. I found out a few other things that I would have liked to know sooner and he didn't seem to care about how I felt about that.

One might call my life chaotic, but this shit is just a straight up disaster. Everything is falling apart faster than I can build it back up. I'm putting so much effort forward and gritting my teeth, but I can't bare to be under this much pressure anymore.

I should really give up trying to satisfy all three pieces at the same time, but it would just be torture to myself if I let one keep getting worse in order to salvage another.

I'm just a real ass bitch in a fake ass world.

Familiar

I was walking down a busy road in a populous city. There was the back to what seemed to be a factory to my left, with a large fire escape with several turns. Aneta and a few other familiar people were walking to my right and behind me.

A loud and disconcerting noise plagued the air. I could feel it getting dark. I could feel the world caving in. I looked to the sky for an answer; that was when I saw it approaching. I ran to the fire escape as quickly as I could. Climbing several steps at a time, I headed for my escape. Familiar and unfamiliar faces followed as the shadows quickly swept in. I hurtled over a locked gate leaving everything I knew, and everything I had yet to know behind.

The powerful wave touched down and cleaned the streets. I couldn't hear it, nor could I feel it. When the iron door shut and I was considered safe I began to walk around inside the dark, seemingly empty building.

I came across machinery for stuffed animal assembly. I thought this seemed to be random since the building advertised that a new aquarium would be coming soon. Despite the irony, there were no signs of an aquarium. Inside it was dry, and safe.

I had been removed from the building without my knowledge. I woke up in a neighborhood that was forested despite it's many homes. I was clothing-less, walking up a steep curved road.

I was comfortable. The air was soothing and the breeze wouldn't be noticeable if it weren't for the trees swaying. I came across an older woman, who came off eccentric yet easy to talk to. Nothing about the way she looked was familiar but the way she felt was very familiar.

She and I walked very slowly to the end of her driveway, which was of moderate length, and back. She did all of the talking. Her words were heard although I cannot recall what any of them were. She spoke with ease and elegance. It were as if she were reciting something she had kept inside of her for eternity.

I was in her home sitting in the couch for a period of time. I was in clothes that were my own, and that she must have found and given me.

She was later standing in the dining room, which was also the kitchen, with me. A tall young woman came in. She was wearing a long cloak-like coat and large, rounded sunglasses. She was looking in the direction of the old woman in a way that felt evil. The old woman looked through her thick spectacles at the woman in a way that indicated she was notorious for her all-around good reputation.

The naive old woman was unable to make the connection to who the woman really was. I found myself eye-to-eye with her as she held a large staff in her left hand that stood as tall as she was. It had a round top, with a sharp, pointed end.

She raised her staff to me, going in for the kill. I gained complete control of the weapon with threatening vengeance. I raised the tool and guided it into the middle of her forehead that was completely exposed by her pulled-back hair. With that I pulled the staff down the middle of her face. She was without reaction through disarming her and experiencing her demise.

The old woman had disappeared. I was alone. Her sunglasses were removed through the ordeal yet she still remained unexposed.

I released all of the demons inside of my soul in one swift swipe yet I could feel them still running through my veins.

Le Sigh

When I woke up this morning my room was colder than expected. On top of this I have been having odd dreams almost every night. Waking up physically and emotionally uncomfortable.

I went upstairs to get a cup of coffee to find that Aneta and Madame Dupont had already woken up. Antea let me know that it was snowing and blah blah blah. She said she shoveled some of the driveway and the back deck. I didn't really care because I knew I would be doing the majority of the driveway alone.

Today was also payday so I had plans to get my money and go shopping. When I went to go start on the driveway I noticed that she hardly shoveled. There was a 5'x8' space that was shoveled and had already accumulated a lot of snow. It wasn't even close to my car, really.

It took me a little over an hour to finish the whole thing. I hauled ass, and it really did take a toll on my body. I didn't complain to her one word. I shoveled it for me, and she didn't need to know that. I knew I was free to leave after completing what she knows is never a very fun task.

I said to her, "It's cool if I go get my check and go shopping right?"

She replied, "King Arthur called and said the roads were really bad, especially by the malls."

I thought, of course it's the worst by every local shopping center. I had replied, "I shoveled the whole driveway for you, because I knew you couldn't do it. I've had all week off from school and this is my only day off to have any fun."

Of course she caved. I'm broke, and I need my money.

My car was all over the road on the way there, and it was kind of fucking awesome.

Anyways, I got to the mall, and to no surprise FedEx had not arrived with the checks. I waited at the mall for 5 hours and although FedEx had delivered packages and such to other stores, none to ours.

My day is ruined, and Aneta didn't feel bad at all. I'm sure she thought to herself that I was getting some kind of karma for traveling in the storm.

I feel like Jennifer from Jennifer's Body when she hasn't eaten in a while. On top of that I feel unpopular, lonely, and poor.

I'm realizing my inner loser.

Eighteen

As you may or may not know, my birthday was November 23rd. Snooki's birthday happens to be the same day. Miley Cyrus' happens to be the same day and year.

This year is a milestone for me. I turned 18. While there are many amazing, life-changing things (or so people say), about this age, is seems like I could care less about them. Now I can drive after 9, I've been doing that since I started driving. I can buy my own cigarettes, finally, but I've been smoking for a year. I didn't buy lottery tickets, or porn, or go to a club (Outrage doesn't count since you just need to know the right people to get in there).

On my birthday I had a field trip to go New York City, to go to art museums. It was great, I love New York City.

I looked like a tranny, but let me tell you, there wasn't a single man who didn't check me out. I was the center of attention. I was the ring-leader to the fashion circus, that is New York City.

I spent most of the day with Elizabeth and her brother, Victor. This was slightly unexpected since Marilyn was on the trip, but she had other friends on the trip, and she knows how hard I've been crushing on Victor for the past few years. Elizabeth has an appreciation for fashion like me, she wore 5" heels to New York, even though she knew we'd be doing lots of walking. I appreciate that, since I looked hot as shit.

We had a lovely time, we bonded like never before. I'm glad to see that I have someone at my own school, who has an appreciation for similar things--and lives by it. She's like the Regina George of my school. And although I may be male, I'm like the Cady Heron. The difference in this story is that we work together to be powerful, instead of feeding off of each other's power in order to get ahead.

Her brother makes me speechless. In terms of me being Cady, he is my Aaron Samuels. I obsess over every little conversation, every little notion, every little glance, every haircut. When he smiles, I melt. When he talks to me, I get tongue tied, and insult him like a 6-year-old girl. There is one small detail though. He isn't officially out. Everyone questions his sexuality, all of his friends are girls, and his best friend agrees that he flirts with me, frequently, and hard.

In all honesty, I feel like Elizabeth and him have spoken about me, and she know. He flirts the same in front of her. She lets it happen. She even seems to encourage it, when I make jokes at him about liking me, which never fails in making him red, and flustered. I had just hoped he would tell me he liked me, since it was my birthday.

I'm a sucker for that corny shit.

In the end, it was a great day, Aneta got me a brand new Timex, which is exclusively sold at J. Crew. It's valued at $150. She remembered how much I wanted it, and I haven't thought about it in ages! She did good, I couldn't have had asked for a better gift.

Although Burlesque didn't come out at midnight, it was great since I finally got my phone replaced.

My teenage years are approaching their end. Let's see what else this age has to offer. Unfortunately, I don't think it's companionship.

No Phone; No Life

Coming from your typical, media-obsessed, texting-addicted, teenager, it should come to no surprise that losing my phone has broken my life, and has made my life almost impossible to live.

I had the day off, this passed Friday. I decided I would take a trip to Amsterdam, to go see Ronnie. We had went to Outrage, and before going inside I had switched jackets. I had thought nothing of this until we had gotten inside and I realized I didn't have my phone on me. Once again, I thought nothing of if and figured it was in my car, and I carelessly left it there. Leaving Outrage, and getting in the car, we had searched like crazy, for my phone. Neither him nor I found my phone.

On a quick side note, I did not go see Ronnie, because we wanted to get back together. We hung out because we were both wicked horny, and wanted someone to grind on and make-out with. His kissing hasn't improved...

ANYWAY!

When I had gotten home, I tried to tray calm and collected about losing my phone, so Aneta and King Arthur wouldn't tease me about my reaction (although, I'm sure they're find something else to tease me about).

The next day, Charles' birthday (which he decided to get a hideous tattoo for), Charles informed me that Aneta was furious about the fact that I went to Outrage, then drove home. Um, hello?! I didn't drive until like 4 hours after. Allegedly, "it was obvious, that I wasn't able to drive." Are you kidding me really? But this pussy ass bitch didn't wanna mention it in front of Kind Arthur, so I brought it up for her.

They were both against me, and I didn't even hide that I went too Outrage. They both told me how unsafe it was, and asked me to promise to never do it again (even though I never did it in the first place).

Aneta always complains that everyone thinks she's dumb, and uninformed... but the thing is, she is. She opens her fat mouth before thinking, and just goes off of her gut, which completely lacks proof, logic, and common sense.

The past three days I have felt lost. I haven't really been sure what to do with myself, and I think I might actually study or something completely lame along those lines.

Aneta just said dinner is ready, she made one of my favorites because she knows I'm the Queen of grudges. She now knows that I'm a winner, and she knows that I can't be beat. She realized she was wrong, and since she won't admit it, it appears that she's kissing my ass after I got in trouble with her.

I'm just thankful that I lack a gut to go by.

$$$

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade...

When life takes your money, make more of it...

Just my luck that I have to be born into a place where I have to struggle with my own finances at 17. What happened to the day when mommy and daddy took care of everything, and you just knew everything would be alright. Since the age of 14, I've had to work to get anything I've wanted. Sure, it has taught me a ton, but it hasn't allowed me to enjoy my teen-hood.

Making $150+ a week at my age seems impressive, I know, and I should be more grateful. But when you know you're going to have to put your car on the road yourself, insurance and all, You start to panic. When you have to pay $300 for your senior page, that everyone else's parents pay for, it makes you stressed, and upset. I have to pay $100 for my own senior trip, and i have to get my own prom tickets.

I've been dreaming of a prom outfit for months, and it kills me inside that I know I'm going to have to go to S&K like everyone else in the United States to get my tux, because I'm so broke. I bust my ass to stretch my money, and make things easier for other people by paying for myself.

I bought all of my own school clothes this year, to make things easier for Aneta.

I feel like she isn't even grateful.

And if my cunt of a manager knew that I deserved hours more than people like Bovan who lie and cheat, I'd be thrilled. It's true though, good guys finish last.

I promise myself that when I run my own life, I'll always be able to live comfortably.

Money makes the world go round. That doesn't sound quite right? Does it?

Mr. Hilton

Mr. Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks...

A few days ago, a random guy added me on Facebook. Turns out he goes to a local high school, so I decided to keep him in my friends list, since he was obviously gay, and decent looking. He seemed really typical, nothing special. But let me tell you, I'm guessing his pictures are outdated...

On Wednesday, August 4th, he came into GAP Outlet, to come visit me. He had never been to the mall which my store is located, which was surprising since he didn't live that far away. Mr. Hilton looked much, much, more stylish and attractive than his photographs made him seem. He swiftly came up the side of the dominant column of the second "I wall" (a word used to describe the front display on a wall separating men's and women's), where I was working on separating newly marked down graphic tees from the ones that were still full price.

The night before he had told me he didn't like my hair (my hair). He told me it was too high and wasn't interesting. He told me it was boring, basically. I got over it, or so I thought. For some reason, Mr. Hilton's critique stuck. I haven't had hairspray in my hair in a few days. I've been wearing it forward (my hair).

This kid may seem like a prick, but you ain't seen nothing yet, bitches!

While the operator was clearly peacocking, he up-down-ed me. I thought nothing of it, people do it all the time. If only you knew how good my ass looked in these jeans, or so I thought. Before I could finish soaking up the looks in my mind he spoke, "Your jeans don't fit." I was like, mother fucking bitch say what?! Then he looked down on the 1.5" heel on my tan boots. He wasn't winning any points.

That night he IM-ed me and apologized profusely. He claimed, "I was really nervous." Who the fuck in their right mind insults the hottest piece of ass they've ever laid eyes on?! But whatever... after lots of guilt and conversation, we made plans for him to come over, today, at noon.

Aneta and Madame Dupont decided to go to the beach, leaving me alone with Mr. Hilton. We were talking the whole time except the last 30 minutes of his stay. At one point he said to me, "I"m definitely bigger." I laughed, climbed off of him, made myself visible (as did he), and I said, "Think again." His eyes lit up, and he bit his lip. He climbed on top of me, and kissed me...

Mr. Hilton, I like the way you push and glide.

MIA

I've been missing in action for a little while. My computer broke weeks ago, and I haven't been able to write. Though I may not be able to tell about all of the adventures I have had, I can recall a few that have created milestones in my summer.

One weekend, I was with Diane. We went to the new grocery store down that road that just opened this summer. And we decided, that I needed to dye my hair, spice it up. So she and I decide to get bleach and go blond. We both went blond that night, but I went blonder. I loved it.

The next day I went to work and everyone loved it. Not a single person had a negative word to say (out loud that is). I felt great. When I got home that night though, I was deeply discontent. I hated it. In a panic, I called Diane, and she and I went and bought black hair dye. Once you go black, you'll always go back.

Lesson learned: BLONDS DO NOT HAVE MORE FUN.

The next event would be Mr. Yves Lazzari. Every year, this church in my county has a "Festa" and I go because when I went to private school in elementary school, that church was affiliated with the school. Diane and I went all three days, and it was wonderful. On the second day I picked up Italian pastries for Aneta and ran into Yves. He was tall and had a thick Italian accent which corresponded perfectly with his high cheek bones.

That night, I get a message on Facebook, and to my surprise, it was Yves. We were already friends. That night we had spoken on the phone for hours and had gotten to know one another. A week later he snuck me in his house, and we had a romantic night together (wink wink). He was a good kisser, but I ditched him.

Lesson learned: DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH DRAG QUEEN-CLOSET CASES.

Thirdly and lastly, is a story about the park. One of my favorite parks is called Stein-Metz Park. I spent the day there tanning and hanging out alone by the pond, just to have some Caesar time.

A little girl named Africa, comes up to me and attempts to give me a flower (which was just a yellow weed). I told her I didn't want it and she left. Shortly after, Africa comes over again and offers me yet another flower (which was just a different weed, that was white). I denied her gift once again, kindly. She interrupted me mid-sentence and scolded me, "TAKE THE DAMN FLOWER." I took it and she scolded me again as I attempted to set it next to me, "KEEP IT!" I kept it and she left me be. Adolescence is beautiful.... right?

Lesson learned: YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE TORMENT AND RIDICULE.

Everyone Builds Credit

Today was as average as could be, I was scheduled at GAP for 4:15-7:15. A blip of a shift. I had planned to get a ride from Aneta, but she was unable to do it since she was still at work, over 20 miles away. Simply, I had no ride to work.

I even called Diane, but still, no ride available.

Around 3:30 I finally worked up the courage to call. A voice answers the phone, "Thank you for calling GAP Outlet in Rotterdam Mall. This is Stacy, I can help you." I could hear the generic happiness and enthusiasm that accompanies answering the phone there.

I was relieved when I hear Stacy's voice. I was so glad that it wasn't Hugh. Despite the fact that I am seeing him more and more as a real human being, he still intimidates the shit out of me in terms of an employee-employer relationship. I told Stacy the truth, even though I heavily contemplated faking sick. I can fake sick pretty damn good too!

She laughed and exclaimed, "It's Okay! Employee of the Month!" She called me by it as if it were my name.

I smiled and said, "But I still feel terrible, you know?!" I really did just feel terrible about the whole thing. I had never called in a day of my life until today.

She comforted me with,"Everyone builds credit. And here, you've done just that. It's completely excusable." At the time this didn't seem very comforting to me, and I continued to just spill apologies out of my mouth. Looking back on it, it meant a lot to me.

I have learned that over the course of 8 months, I've been awarded Employee of the Month which people who have been there over a year haven't even gotten. I've built friends and healthy co-worker relations. And I have established a great reference. I've sorted clearance for hours. I've done other's floor plans single-handedly. I've delivered some of the best customer service that store has ever seen. I've earned it all, by working my fucking ass off!

Seeing that I have no one to thank but myself really takes any fear of independence out of me.

Misunderstanding?

At times I must admit that the games in life (because that is all life is composed of) really exhaust me.

Today after school, I had detention with Profesora. It was alright despite the fact that her room was ridiculously hot. I got home a few minutes after five, and took a nap since I was going out with Diane, late tonight.

Once I awoke from my shower Diane was over, and Charles and his faggot-ass "friend" were over. Diane told me that she said I had detention--she has to be the stupidest friend I have. Fucking A. Then she said that Charles opened his fat mouth (for something other than food for a change) to say, "He got caught smoking on the stage." Apparently Aneta believed him. She's pissed about that.

Aneta told me Charles is the biggest liar she's ever met. If she's sticking by that statement, I think Aneta is the most naive, foolish, desperate woman I've ever met.

The other day I was informed that someone posted an ad on Craigslist for me. And undeniably, someone who say me at work, had indeed wanted to meet me. He's 48. Right there he was untouchable territory. But apparently I'm an idiot and I can't handle anything myself. I think Aneta thinks I was going to give it a go. Sorry, I don't want to end up with 4 failed marriages, and several affairs in between.

Aneta was mad at Charles the other day, but after I got out of the shower they were dancing. Are you serious. I know why Kind Arthur doesn't understand them and got out of dodge. Charles said he could take care of Aneta all on his own, have fun with that burger boy.

I'm still having a bit of a personal struggle still. I feel ugly and unwanted 99.9% of the time. I'm just a try hard with over plucked eyebrows, too much makeup, and too much gel in his hair. I'm just waiting for a revolution.

Not Worth Europe

Today was an eventful day to say the least.

This evening, was King Arthur's Uncle's funeral. At the funeral Aneta seemed to be segregated... and he stayed with his family and left her alone all night. His family glared at her all night. To make a long story short she told him off. She then proceeded to drive home without him. His brother had to bring him to the house, and tonight he is spending the night at mommy's.

This evening after everyone left, Diane, Aneta, and I sat to watch The Ugly Truth, to get her mind off things.

During the movie Charles called yelling at me to get my name out of his mouth. Lately he's been spending all of his free time with his "straight" (meaning closeted) friend. Which I don't care about, I just don't understand why he won't tell anyone they're having an affair, or that he wants one at least. He even jumped up and down one night when he called--COME ON! He told me he heard everything Diane and I were "saying," which I actually didn't say anything. I wanted to talk to Diane about them so bad, BUT I knew she'd open her big mouth so I didn't say anything. And it's not like I could tell many other people because most of the people who know aren't anyone I'd want to chat about it with.

Then he told me he wasn't going to bring me to work anymore. And he said "He shouldn't have gone to Europe then!" while on the phone with Aneta. After he got off the phone, Aneta explained things. She told me that when she told me she'd let me go to Europe, that I had to choose between that and a car. SHE NEVER SAID THAT! She continued to say that the money she acquired was originally for a car, and she never said that. I am so nice when people give me stuff, if she told me it was intended for a car, then that's what I would have asked for.

And I mean this with every bit of my heart: if that had been the case, I would have gotten that car and signed a contract that I couldn't leave the country until I turned 50. I would give up everything from that perfect trip for a car. I have never regretted something as beautiful as the French countryside, The Italian Alps, Big Ben, even my new friends and Sebastien. I'd repeat the 11th grade if it meant I could change my decision.

I don't think I can ever look back on that trip the same way again. I never seem to make the right decisions despite how much of I pushover I am to my family. I don't even know how to take off this bulky invincible exterior and let someone in and be a real human being. I'm so tired of trying to be me... and failing every time.

Sex & Co.

On Tuesday evening my boyfriend, Ronnie came over. He met Aneta and Charles, and had dinner with us. It was a perfect evening.

That day at school was a long one, as I described to you before. I was exhausted, and felt like nothing in this whole world could turn around my day. Little did I know that I would be proved wrong.

When Ronnie got here, it was 5PM. He has gotten here late because his sister, Sammi, was still a little unsure of how to get to my house. I had been waiting at the door for a few minutes, when he arrived. When he walked in, I took his coat, and Aneta was there so I couldn't kiss him immediately. As soon as she left, I embraced his kiss.

We went down stairs for a little while. We chatted about my room, our days, and how we felt about one another. Once that was out of the way, we cuddled and watched some TV. That led to kissing, and clothing removal. He slowly unbuttoned my red, plaid shirt as he straddled me, topless. Our pants were off in the blink of an eye, and before I knew it I could feel my dick against his as we kissed. I could feel my skin against his.

I felt his dick, uncircumcised; which I don't normally go for, but I thought it was really sexy. I performed some oral sex which put him in pure ecstasy. He loved it. He pushed my head down as he moaned. He came quickly. I'm good at what I do... what can I say.

After that he was going to start me off, but we had to go eat dinner. Aneta made Chicken Parm, it was delicious.

When we went back to my room clothes flew and sexual tension was through the roof. He offered to suck me off, but I declined, because I knew I could get more. He offered to have sex even though we were going to wait. Let me tell you, I fucked him real good. He was just as into it as I was. It was perfect sex. Later that night I blew him a second time--now he's thoroughly impressed.

Charles brought him home and we went to Taco Bell before that for a little snack. I kissed him goodnight outside his apartment. From the second his lips left mine, I missed him.

No, I'm not in love. But for the first time I think I might be on my way...

Not A Happy Camper

Today isn't even over, and it was filled with what-the-fuck moments. Ronnie is coming over in about an hour. I was supposed to have the best day ever, but instead it was filled with drama and unnecessary distractions.

This morning was a great one, I got ready with plenty of time to spare. First period went by swell. As did second period, where I started a sculpture which is looking superb.

It was time for third period: Chemistry. Today we took notes, as usual. But the girl who sits to my right, Stephanie, wasn't here, so one of the hottest guys at our school Francois, sat to my right. As he took notes I couldn't help but notice him lift up his shirt and lightly rub his smooth stomach. I looked over again, and as he took notes, his hand casually lingered into his pants. His left hand was now almost all the way in his pants, I could see his hip bone. I began to get excited and shocked.

I opened my phone and began to write a tweet.

I look over again, and now, his left hand from the wrist down was completely in his pants. Our Chemistry teacher wasn't a work of art by any stretch, keep in mind. His hand moved to the center of his pants, I could tell he was massaging his dick. I was getting a little hot and bothered because I had several sexual fantasies about him before. I must admit, I have a boyfriend, and I feel guilty.

Later, I was caught in the hallway, using my cell phone. Lieutenant Frump got all up in my grill. She began her spiel with, "Does that show integrity?" as she always does. She raised her hand slightly above her head and told me, "You were here." She moved her hand down several inches, and said "Now you're here. You're not fabulous anymore." What a condescending cunt. How dare you say something like that to me. She has a ton of jealously built up in her. She condones the use of other electronics though--double standard. I collected my phone from the office later in the day.

When I got home I was a little on edge. Aneta said she wanted some help. I said yes, as I always do. But she was like "Don't go down stairs just yet, you're not going to get off the hook." I wasn't trying to get off the hook you moron, I was bringing my books to my room. Do you mind?! Think before you speak, please.

Ronnie is coming over shortly, and I don't want him to see me in such a mood. I miss him so much, and I've been looking forward to this for the past 5 days. I don't want to pretend to be happy. I think Ronnie will be able to brighten my mood regardless. I can't wait for his embrace.

In whole, whenever I try my best to have a great day because I've been anxious for something, it fucks me over miserably.

Caesar + Ronnie

Last night I went over to Ronnie's house, in Amsterdam. This would be the first time that I'd seen him since your attraction to one another at the GAP. I was extremely anxious, especially since our conversations via text message and late phone call have gotten a little intimate.

This would be the first time I've actually had a real "love interest" since that ass hole from Rotterdam, Garret, that I hooked-up with. I was excited. He's Puerto Rican, and I couldn't wait to be with someone who wasn't white.

When I arrived around 5PM, he stood outside his house waiting. Aneta and Madame Dupont dropped me off, and were clearly staring to see what he looked like. He looked just like his photos, and exactly how I remember him at the GAP. I could feel the intimacy with our eye contact. I could tell how he felt, and how his mood was just from gazing into his eyes, and initiating conversation.

He led me into the first floor apartment that he and his sister, Roxanne, live in. The first room I saw was the kitchen, the whole house seemed slightly empty, but it was pretty clean from what I could tell. As we talked our tones got slightly more alluring, and seductive. He got closer, resting his hands on my hips, hugging me, and said, "I'm really glad you're here." From there he went in for the kiss. I wanted to be in control, so I turned my face slightly to the left, so that he just his the corner of my lips. He smiled awkwardly, and showed me the rest of the apartment, and then to his room.

We laughed and talked for some time while watching the History Channel on his bed. Being his birthday, and a control carving person, like myself, he said that he'd only kiss me, again if I sang him Happy Birthday. Keep in mind, he told me this about half an inch away from my face.

I declined his offer telling him that he wouldn't be able to resist me. He stopped holding my hand, that's how persistent he got. Finally, I gave in and sang the song. I leaned in to kiss him with full on tongue, surprising him, and making him VERY happy. I'm good at what I do. We spooned, kissed, and dry humped a little, almost naked in his bed for a while before his friends came over. In the act we had become boyfriends officially. Happy Birthday to you Ronnie!

While his friends were there, we had our own night of Outrage, and we drank.

On the way home I got touchy-feely in the backseat of his sister's Pontiac. We made out the entire way home grouping each other's you-know-whats. It was pretty fair in size. We arrived at my house, he kissed me in the driveway, romantically.

I went inside, and rest assured, Aneta and Madame were there. WAITING. They saw, and they knew that for the first time, I had real hope in a relationship. I was under the influence of lust.

Christmas Day

I'd like to start off saying Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it, and to those of you who don't--Happy Holidays.

Among many traditions in my home, I am always the one who wakes up the house, and hands out gifts on Christmas. This year when I went to hand King Arthur a gift, he said "No thanks." And I paused, stunned, glared at him, and continued. Recently he has isolated himself from our family, but he thinks it's the other way around.

This is Aneta's first Christmas without BOTH of her parents, so this year the holiday has been a little tough for her, all things considered. Her husband decided to spend all of Christmas Eve without her, and the rest of Christmas Day without her. And when she went to confront him about it, he blamed her (But remember, we're isolating him). I'm telling you, Aneta got him a frying pan, and he's so damn lucky I didn't him him upside the head with it.

Of the various array of gifts I received, a luggage set was among them. I also got leather gloves, a new leather belt, some button-ups, the newest PostSecret book, a Burberry scarf, and some other smaller, useful gifts. I am very satisfied.

Richard called me yesterday, and I missed the call. I feel really guilty about it, considering he has no home phone, and I have no way to reach him to wish him a Merry Christmas, since he isn't at work. Sorry to disappoint you. I will be calling you first thing Monday Morning.

Aneta and I sat and had a talk after Charles left for his Grandmother's and her husband, Arthur, left to see his buddy or something stupid. She told me that she's only holding on because she knows she can't afford the electric bill or her health insurance on her own. She waited over 20 years to be with her husband, and less than 5 years of marriage, he has become a whole different person. As her fourth marriage, and the one she REALLY THOUGHT was going to work, it seemingly fell apart the fastest.

On this Christmas Day I think of words of wisdom from my Aunt, who we'll call Madame Dupont. Madame Dupont told me, "Don't ever get married," as we hung clothes on the clothes line this summer. Madame Dupont is well known for her sense of humor, but at this very moment in time, she was indirectly letting me see into the life of a married person. I can't wait until you spend the night on Sunday, Madame!

After my long struggle of being single, I have learned that I'd rather be miserable alone, than twice as miserable with someone else. And that's what Christmas means to me.