Saturday, September 1, 2012

New People, New Drama

It was January when I met Georgina. Georgina is undeniably beautiful. Her sharp bob and sultry lips shook me to my core when I first laid eyes on her. I knew we'd become good friends instantly. She's my kind of people.

Some time passed and she watched me date and dump Alaska, all in the same month. Alaska is another make-up artist that works in the department. Just like the state he's big for no reason, and nobody gives two shits what he's up to.

Georgina introduced me to her friend, Alfred. He was someone I knew of for a little while. I knew his ex and found out who he was because of that. Alfred, Georgina and I would hang out together often, sometimes with the company of Hillary, Georgina's girlfriend. The four of us would have a great time. We went to Outrage often and always had a blast.

One night at work Georgina had told me that Alfred had a crush on me. It came to no surprise that yet another gay boy couldn't just be a friend. A few short nights later we had gone out to the bar together. We had run into Georgina's friend, also Hillary's cousin (or some relative), Benjamin. He was cold, yet cool. He hardly acknowledged me but did make eye contact.

Later in that same night he had found us again. He began to approach Georgina and I while we were waiting for Alfred and Hillary in the bathroom. He had come up to me and asked me if I'd do him a favor. I looked at Georgina, puzzled. I said it would depend on the favor. He asked me if I would kiss him and make his ex jealous (later we came to the conclusion that his ex most likely wasn't there and he was just being a skank). I asked Georgina if Alfred would mind since he had a fling with him in the past and it didn't work out. Of course she said no.

With that answer I jumped at the opportunity to get a little frisky with him. Despite his 8/10 kissing score, he was a jerk not to mention stupid. At one point he even said to me "Could you be any more boring." He later tried to stick his hand in my pants and tried to take me home with him. Is it just me or does he clearly not find me boring?

To shorten up this bit of the story, I met up with him a few other times after that. I slept the night at his house and went to a party that he hosted. All three times he drank too much. I noticed (especially in a group setting) that when he drinks he needs to be the center of attention, and he goes all angry gay. I'm sure his name is already printed on a metal folding chair in an AA circle. Needless to say, I had sex with him once, and then stopped replying to his texts.

Without fail Alfred became clingier during the following weeks. Another night out at the bar, the four of us Heathers were on the dance floor and Alfred had thrown back a few more drinks than usual. He started to dance on me and kissed me slightly sloppy. I knew my encounters with Benjamin had sped up this process but I knew it was mostly liquid courage.

In time he asked me out. What irked me most was how he did it. He never really asked. He was drunk in my car after we went to the bar on June 7th, and I was dropping him off at home. He told me that I was his boyfriend. And then he just assumed I was his. I liked him enough so I just went with it.

Things went well until we had sex for the first (and only) time.

I started to realize that my feelings for him would never progress past where they were and he didn't possess what I was looking for. He had told me that he loved me after we went to the bar one night (surprise, surprise), and then took it back a few days later when he was sober, and then told me he meant it a week later when we found ourselves at the bar yet again.

I had trouble breaking up with him because I had thought that he was really into me. I wanted to talk to Georgina about it but I knew that she and Alfred had been friends longer than she and I had been friends, so I thought better of it.

To my surprise he was alright when I broke up with him. He said we could be friends still. I was thrilled. Finally, an ex who didn't hate me. But... you could be wrong.

Several hours later after I did the deed via phone call, he started texting me, angrily. Benjamin was instigating on Alfred's Facebook after I had removed our relationship. Alfred assumed that Benjamin liked my being single status because I had been talking to him this whole time.

In the series of texts I received from Alfred, I had told him to ignore Benjamin that what he had to say didn't matter. Alfred then told me that it does matter when someone hurts your feelings. He also told me that he's a 'big boy' and can put someone in their place if he has to. He said that Benjamin is 'runner-up' in his book and the he has shit in his life so he doesn't need the drama.

I had told Alfred that it was unfortunate that we couldn't remain friends based off of his assumptions. He informed me that it wasn't unfortunate. He said he's on a different level than me (implying being better than me), that I'm not the kind of friend he's looking for, that I bring him down, and that I'm awkward. Alfred elaborated further to tell me that he knew something was up for a while. I also came into the knowledge that I wasn't what made him happy, going on antidepressants were. He also said, "I enjoyed your company and found you interesting but it's time for me to move on."

I responded with "k" .

Alfred, you're right, it's not unfortunate. You would buy new clothes and wear them several times in the same week, not to mention you were the world's worst outfit repeater that I've ever come to know. Yes, you are on a much different level than me, A MUCH LOWER LEVEL. The fact that you're an ex fat girl who eats like a current fat girl puts you below me by default. Like what kind of shit do you have to deal with? Your mom making sure your bill are paid correctly? You must be looking for a friend with poor taste, and no class, Alfred. I brought you up. You can buy cute watches, and a new car, and own tons of shoes but that doesn't make your face, and physique, better than mine. I was born with it, and bitch, you're just Maybelline. For someone who was so harshly judged and scarred by an ex, you seem to have no problems attempting to tear someone down. You failed miserably because your logic is full of contradictions and misconceptions. Alfred is now in a relationship with antidepressants.

I thought it was particularly adorable that Alfred thought he was letting me go in his last statement. He's so delusional that he thinks pulling the 'I felt the same way' card was going to hide his hurt. I'm not stupid, I know I'm the kind of guy that people try to keep around. I was kind enough to not say any of this to him directly but to those intelligent enough to find this post. 

I had feared that the friendship that Georgina and I have was terminated due to how hurt Alfred was. Thank goodness I was wrong. I look forward to the continued blossoming of our friendship.

Maybe I'll fuck Benjamin again. It might be fun to just see how into me he still is (because who wouldn't be).

I'm fabulous but I'm evil.

Saturday, July 7, 2012


It's not easy to realize how much you're fucking things up until someone has told you that you are fucking things up. It's easy to say "they're going to learn the hard way" but wouldn't it be even easier in the long-run to give someone the tools they need to not fuck up before they go and fuck it all up?!

Since turning 19, I have learned one thing: the older you get the less help you get from those around you.

Upon turning 19, I got a new job. I finally got my first full-time job. Things had felt like they were really coming together. I started at Macy's in December of 2011 as a makeup artist. The two interviews that I received were held by Human Resources and the Department Manager. I had never received an interview from the woman who would be my direct supervisor.

This woman was the coldest, most emotionally numb, CUNT, that I have ever had the displeasure of working under. She would hold weekly one-on-one training sessions with me and tell me how bad I was at my job, and how I needed to improve. She would ask, "What are you going to do to better yourself?" I'd always be speechless and try to come up with what she wanted to hear, but it was never right.

Finally after the second time she broke me down to tears, I asked, "Are you asking me to lead you in leading me?" She looked puzzled and continued on with her psycho babble bull-shit, telling me how there was a misunderstanding. I verified that there had unmistakably been a misunderstanding and that I was pretty sure that she had communication issues.

Of course it was all pinned on me. Stupid 31 year-old, gold digging, prostitute.

This job was also a temporary position. I was filling in a medical leave for a woman who had broken her back for the second time in the same spot. I knew there was no way in hell that she was coming back. I was told that her position would be mine, permanently, once she relinquished her job. Turns out they had open interviews for her position and the part-time cunt came out of left field and we basically swapped jobs.

I'm sure my manager had planned this. She set me up to be unsuccessful so that she could help the part-timer who she had favored. I should have known. Now I'm up to my ears in bills and debt and I can't even break even. I'm going negative.

Now we get into the part where Anita and Charles get involved. I owe both of them $300 right now, so $600 in total. I had to get repairs on my car, so I opened up a credit card and charged $800 to it--it's only interest free for the first six months. My car payment and insurance is $520 a month. And let's not forget the additional $60 per week that I use in gasoline. I'm not even going to talk cigarettes because I've been trying EXTREMELY hard to quit.

For one reason or another I went and got an iPhone yesterday. I've had a Blackberry for the past 2.5 years and I feel like I've been working so hard and I wanted to reap ONE fruit from the hundreds I have picked. That was a mistake. Me being silly, little and ignorant did much more than get a phone. I changed the entire phone plan and cost Anita 100's of dollars I guess. When I did it he made it seem cheap and inexpensive. He told me in order to get the phone I had to update the plan and it would cost an additional $16 per month, which I figured Anita could eat since she doesn't feed me which is why it's impossible for me to save money.

Anyways, instead of Anita and Charles helping me out and teaching me how to save and still pay bills and spend money on things I need to spend money on in order to keep the cycle going they did what my manager did. They sat there lecturing me on my age and asking me how I'm going to fix my problems. I went to both of them seeking advice and all I got was more debt. Anita insists her name is on my car loan and that I can't default because it puts her ass on the line. 

Funny how I need to hurry and fix things for other people. All I know is that at GAP, there was a clear cut image of what you had to do, how long you had to do it and what would happen if you didn't. I got shit done, and did what I had to do. 

Now everything is just a clusterfuck and I don't know what to do. Still no advice has been given to me at work and home except "try harder".

For so long I felt like wealth, success, and happiness were all in my destiny. This job, and my family have all shown me that it's just a dream.

The 99% just aren't destined to become the 1%.