Saturday, July 7, 2012


It's not easy to realize how much you're fucking things up until someone has told you that you are fucking things up. It's easy to say "they're going to learn the hard way" but wouldn't it be even easier in the long-run to give someone the tools they need to not fuck up before they go and fuck it all up?!

Since turning 19, I have learned one thing: the older you get the less help you get from those around you.

Upon turning 19, I got a new job. I finally got my first full-time job. Things had felt like they were really coming together. I started at Macy's in December of 2011 as a makeup artist. The two interviews that I received were held by Human Resources and the Department Manager. I had never received an interview from the woman who would be my direct supervisor.

This woman was the coldest, most emotionally numb, CUNT, that I have ever had the displeasure of working under. She would hold weekly one-on-one training sessions with me and tell me how bad I was at my job, and how I needed to improve. She would ask, "What are you going to do to better yourself?" I'd always be speechless and try to come up with what she wanted to hear, but it was never right.

Finally after the second time she broke me down to tears, I asked, "Are you asking me to lead you in leading me?" She looked puzzled and continued on with her psycho babble bull-shit, telling me how there was a misunderstanding. I verified that there had unmistakably been a misunderstanding and that I was pretty sure that she had communication issues.

Of course it was all pinned on me. Stupid 31 year-old, gold digging, prostitute.

This job was also a temporary position. I was filling in a medical leave for a woman who had broken her back for the second time in the same spot. I knew there was no way in hell that she was coming back. I was told that her position would be mine, permanently, once she relinquished her job. Turns out they had open interviews for her position and the part-time cunt came out of left field and we basically swapped jobs.

I'm sure my manager had planned this. She set me up to be unsuccessful so that she could help the part-timer who she had favored. I should have known. Now I'm up to my ears in bills and debt and I can't even break even. I'm going negative.

Now we get into the part where Anita and Charles get involved. I owe both of them $300 right now, so $600 in total. I had to get repairs on my car, so I opened up a credit card and charged $800 to it--it's only interest free for the first six months. My car payment and insurance is $520 a month. And let's not forget the additional $60 per week that I use in gasoline. I'm not even going to talk cigarettes because I've been trying EXTREMELY hard to quit.

For one reason or another I went and got an iPhone yesterday. I've had a Blackberry for the past 2.5 years and I feel like I've been working so hard and I wanted to reap ONE fruit from the hundreds I have picked. That was a mistake. Me being silly, little and ignorant did much more than get a phone. I changed the entire phone plan and cost Anita 100's of dollars I guess. When I did it he made it seem cheap and inexpensive. He told me in order to get the phone I had to update the plan and it would cost an additional $16 per month, which I figured Anita could eat since she doesn't feed me which is why it's impossible for me to save money.

Anyways, instead of Anita and Charles helping me out and teaching me how to save and still pay bills and spend money on things I need to spend money on in order to keep the cycle going they did what my manager did. They sat there lecturing me on my age and asking me how I'm going to fix my problems. I went to both of them seeking advice and all I got was more debt. Anita insists her name is on my car loan and that I can't default because it puts her ass on the line. 

Funny how I need to hurry and fix things for other people. All I know is that at GAP, there was a clear cut image of what you had to do, how long you had to do it and what would happen if you didn't. I got shit done, and did what I had to do. 

Now everything is just a clusterfuck and I don't know what to do. Still no advice has been given to me at work and home except "try harder".

For so long I felt like wealth, success, and happiness were all in my destiny. This job, and my family have all shown me that it's just a dream.

The 99% just aren't destined to become the 1%.