Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My Tears Rolled Into The Ocean

The tears I shed, and the sadness I occasionally feel just roll into a pit of previous emotions, much like water of the rivers that flow from the mountain tops, and are forgotten and blurred once they reach the ocean.

When I am struck with emotion of mostly any kind, it is fueled by sadness and desperation. Every previous event gets brought into my mind, and begins to escalate and create a more extreme emotion than that originally generated. Only I know how to please myself. I search for something with my eyes closed.

The Greeks thought that hope was evil personified. Seeing as hope is usually a wish against the grain of life, it comes to no surprise that Greek Mythology tells us this. Despite that some mythology states that one must not give up hope, since it calms all of life's other evils. On a day-to-day basis I open Pandora's box. Seemingly, nothing comes out except dust, and nothing is exposed except a dead spider, and a web it once called home.

I find myself released when I'm alone, or when I'm around those who know little of, or about me. When I'm in my bed alone at night, I think of happy things, all of the great little things. I don't feel how I was mistreated, or how I should have retaliated when I didn't. When alone in public, I almost feel notorious, since people see my standing freely, and seeing what I have portrayed myself as without other people near, forcing my image to become a shield.

I heard two people talking behind me in the hallway this afternoon after Algebra II and Trigonometry. The one girl said to the other in a confusingly sarcastic voice, "Work it! Work it girl!" Her friend replied, "He's so stylish though," and something else implying I was attractive. And the other said, "Oh I know." Once again I received the recognition that I should get, being my own personal character.

When I'm with people who are forever part of my life, I feel like they know too much and have invaded or violated a certain human right I have to my identity. I wish I could be as shut off as you, but I'm not.

Frequently, legislation is passed, and they fulfill their duty to make laws. It seems as if the President has a difficult time correctly carrying out these laws, and at times not even carrying out said laws. I am the President.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Everyone Builds Credit

Today was as average as could be, I was scheduled at GAP for 4:15-7:15. A blip of a shift. I had planned to get a ride from Aneta, but she was unable to do it since she was still at work, over 20 miles away. Simply, I had no ride to work.

I even called Diane, but still, no ride available.

Around 3:30 I finally worked up the courage to call. A voice answers the phone, "Thank you for calling GAP Outlet in Rotterdam Mall. This is Stacy, I can help you." I could hear the generic happiness and enthusiasm that accompanies answering the phone there.

I was relieved when I hear Stacy's voice. I was so glad that it wasn't Hugh. Despite the fact that I am seeing him more and more as a real human being, he still intimidates the shit out of me in terms of an employee-employer relationship. I told Stacy the truth, even though I heavily contemplated faking sick. I can fake sick pretty damn good too!

She laughed and exclaimed, "It's Okay! Employee of the Month!" She called me by it as if it were my name.

I smiled and said, "But I still feel terrible, you know?!" I really did just feel terrible about the whole thing. I had never called in a day of my life until today.

She comforted me with,"Everyone builds credit. And here, you've done just that. It's completely excusable." At the time this didn't seem very comforting to me, and I continued to just spill apologies out of my mouth. Looking back on it, it meant a lot to me.

I have learned that over the course of 8 months, I've been awarded Employee of the Month which people who have been there over a year haven't even gotten. I've built friends and healthy co-worker relations. And I have established a great reference. I've sorted clearance for hours. I've done other's floor plans single-handedly. I've delivered some of the best customer service that store has ever seen. I've earned it all, by working my fucking ass off!

Seeing that I have no one to thank but myself really takes any fear of independence out of me.