It's Over

It was the middle of August when Stevenson went to Washington DC. to do an internship with PETA, one of his favorite organizations. Being a radical liberal and vegan, it is no surprise that he jumped at the opportunity. Good for him though! I would have done the same thing had I been in his shoes.

He had asked me if I minded, and of course I said no. I mean, how many chances like this do people get? I knew it would be the last week that we had together before summer ended to spend together and I was pretty sure that he did too. I thought he would have mentioned that, but he didn't. Maybe in the excitement, it slipped his mind.

The week before he left, we didn't speak much. It was strange, but I didn't think much of it since he had been scheduled a lot at work and he was prepping for a long bus ride. Through the following week, while he was in DC, we didn't speak much. I was brought to the edge of insanity wondering how he was, what he was doing, and if he was thinking of me.

I did my best to not be the obnoxious boyfriend who nags, but I just had to know what was going on. It wasn't until he was on the way home (which was delayed due to Hurricane Irene) that he finally gave in to me and told me what was going on. I was informed that he needed "a better physical relationship before we could progress an emotional relationship". I had always thought that it was the other way around, but I was wrong. I felt like every song and movie that I ever related to had been a lie.

After this discussion I went to see one of my good friends, and co-worker, Lindsay. We went to Outrage and what a trip it was. She convinced me to break-up with Stevenson via BBM. So I did, with ulterior motives. I had planned to text him an hour or so after (I knew he would be going out, therefore I knew he would be under the influence of something) proclaiming that the way he felt when he read my text was how I felt the past two weeks. I was thinking this would change the way he looked at our relationship or at least make some progress, but I was wrong.

Ultimately this did change how we were when we were together. Although he did get very upset with me when I suggested we be friends, I knew we weren't going to get over this 'hump' of sorts. That was fine with me, and I didn't tell anyone, really, so I was able to say it was a mutual agreement since I didn't think Stevenson would appreciate me pridefully discussing how I broke up with him.

Honestly, I didn't think it would make me feel this way. I didn't think that I'd feel like this after only being together for just shy of four months, but I do. I'll never truly know his reason for suddenly becoming so distant either.

There are other things that I'd like to mention but I'm too embarrassed and insecure to talk about them publicly (or privately). Here I am, left feeling inadequate and never wanting to date again.

I loved Stevenson's company. Hell, I still love it! He's a good time. It's undeniable. I still say this despite how little I really got to know him. He had great friends who had similar, if not identical, interests. I'm saying goodbye to them also, since I don't really have another option. I'd like to stay in contact with them but that's not fair to Stevenson and most certainly won't make me move on any faster.

So here's to being single forever (yes, I was being serious). I will also continue to remain anonymous in the local gay community.

I wouldn't say that Stevenson is dead like she who must not be named, but I don't think I can consider him alive.

No Phone; No Life

Coming from your typical, media-obsessed, texting-addicted, teenager, it should come to no surprise that losing my phone has broken my life, and has made my life almost impossible to live.

I had the day off, this passed Friday. I decided I would take a trip to Amsterdam, to go see Ronnie. We had went to Outrage, and before going inside I had switched jackets. I had thought nothing of this until we had gotten inside and I realized I didn't have my phone on me. Once again, I thought nothing of if and figured it was in my car, and I carelessly left it there. Leaving Outrage, and getting in the car, we had searched like crazy, for my phone. Neither him nor I found my phone.

On a quick side note, I did not go see Ronnie, because we wanted to get back together. We hung out because we were both wicked horny, and wanted someone to grind on and make-out with. His kissing hasn't improved...

ANYWAY!

When I had gotten home, I tried to tray calm and collected about losing my phone, so Aneta and King Arthur wouldn't tease me about my reaction (although, I'm sure they're find something else to tease me about).

The next day, Charles' birthday (which he decided to get a hideous tattoo for), Charles informed me that Aneta was furious about the fact that I went to Outrage, then drove home. Um, hello?! I didn't drive until like 4 hours after. Allegedly, "it was obvious, that I wasn't able to drive." Are you kidding me really? But this pussy ass bitch didn't wanna mention it in front of Kind Arthur, so I brought it up for her.

They were both against me, and I didn't even hide that I went too Outrage. They both told me how unsafe it was, and asked me to promise to never do it again (even though I never did it in the first place).

Aneta always complains that everyone thinks she's dumb, and uninformed... but the thing is, she is. She opens her fat mouth before thinking, and just goes off of her gut, which completely lacks proof, logic, and common sense.

The past three days I have felt lost. I haven't really been sure what to do with myself, and I think I might actually study or something completely lame along those lines.

Aneta just said dinner is ready, she made one of my favorites because she knows I'm the Queen of grudges. She now knows that I'm a winner, and she knows that I can't be beat. She realized she was wrong, and since she won't admit it, it appears that she's kissing my ass after I got in trouble with her.

I'm just thankful that I lack a gut to go by.

Diane Dies

Today is one, of two days, that I got off from work this week. I decided to sleep in really late then go out with Diane later on. And I did just that.

Diane had come over sooner than expected. So instead of doing my hair, I just threw it back in a hat, and it looked fine. I took my time getting ready... doing my make up and getting dressed, since Diane had told me that she didn't mind how long I took.

When I was done getting ready we left quickly. We were on our way to her house. We were about 1/4 of the way there when Diane said, "I would have waited for you to do your hair, you didn't have to wear that hat that doesn't match."

I replied, "I wasn't in the mood to do it. And who are you to tell me what matches, you think your stupid heather grey cardigan matches everything."

She made a remark about me saying I was going to put some gel in my hair. And I explained, and I don't use gel, I only use hair spray. Diane began to raise her voice, and told me that I did say I use gel.

I got loud back at her and said, "Listen CUNT, you're wrong! I don't use gel, I don't even own fucking gel. You're FUCKING WRONG!" The car came to a screeching halt. She told me go get out. I did, and on the way out I said, "See you next Tuesday, BITCH," and slammed the door as hard as I could.

As I got out I noticed skid marks.

I only had a 30 minute walk home. It was beautiful outside. I enjoyed it more than anything I had done with Diane in the past few months.

No one has heard from Diane, since I saw her. Maybe I should be worried. Not being able to admit your wrong does have a price tag. Death.

Her cold sausage fingers texted me to try and win me over. I just kept sending her "Goodbye" in different languages. She left me a voice mail and claimed that I raised my voice first and I was being immature. She's just thick-headed. She always has to get her way. She should know by now, that in our friendship, I have always gotten my way before she ever has.

This bitch is dead to me.

MIA

I've been missing in action for a little while. My computer broke weeks ago, and I haven't been able to write. Though I may not be able to tell about all of the adventures I have had, I can recall a few that have created milestones in my summer.

One weekend, I was with Diane. We went to the new grocery store down that road that just opened this summer. And we decided, that I needed to dye my hair, spice it up. So she and I decide to get bleach and go blond. We both went blond that night, but I went blonder. I loved it.

The next day I went to work and everyone loved it. Not a single person had a negative word to say (out loud that is). I felt great. When I got home that night though, I was deeply discontent. I hated it. In a panic, I called Diane, and she and I went and bought black hair dye. Once you go black, you'll always go back.

Lesson learned: BLONDS DO NOT HAVE MORE FUN.

The next event would be Mr. Yves Lazzari. Every year, this church in my county has a "Festa" and I go because when I went to private school in elementary school, that church was affiliated with the school. Diane and I went all three days, and it was wonderful. On the second day I picked up Italian pastries for Aneta and ran into Yves. He was tall and had a thick Italian accent which corresponded perfectly with his high cheek bones.

That night, I get a message on Facebook, and to my surprise, it was Yves. We were already friends. That night we had spoken on the phone for hours and had gotten to know one another. A week later he snuck me in his house, and we had a romantic night together (wink wink). He was a good kisser, but I ditched him.

Lesson learned: DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH DRAG QUEEN-CLOSET CASES.

Thirdly and lastly, is a story about the park. One of my favorite parks is called Stein-Metz Park. I spent the day there tanning and hanging out alone by the pond, just to have some Caesar time.

A little girl named Africa, comes up to me and attempts to give me a flower (which was just a yellow weed). I told her I didn't want it and she left. Shortly after, Africa comes over again and offers me yet another flower (which was just a different weed, that was white). I denied her gift once again, kindly. She interrupted me mid-sentence and scolded me, "TAKE THE DAMN FLOWER." I took it and she scolded me again as I attempted to set it next to me, "KEEP IT!" I kept it and she left me be. Adolescence is beautiful.... right?

Lesson learned: YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE TORMENT AND RIDICULE.

Everyone Builds Credit

Today was as average as could be, I was scheduled at GAP for 4:15-7:15. A blip of a shift. I had planned to get a ride from Aneta, but she was unable to do it since she was still at work, over 20 miles away. Simply, I had no ride to work.

I even called Diane, but still, no ride available.

Around 3:30 I finally worked up the courage to call. A voice answers the phone, "Thank you for calling GAP Outlet in Rotterdam Mall. This is Stacy, I can help you." I could hear the generic happiness and enthusiasm that accompanies answering the phone there.

I was relieved when I hear Stacy's voice. I was so glad that it wasn't Hugh. Despite the fact that I am seeing him more and more as a real human being, he still intimidates the shit out of me in terms of an employee-employer relationship. I told Stacy the truth, even though I heavily contemplated faking sick. I can fake sick pretty damn good too!

She laughed and exclaimed, "It's Okay! Employee of the Month!" She called me by it as if it were my name.

I smiled and said, "But I still feel terrible, you know?!" I really did just feel terrible about the whole thing. I had never called in a day of my life until today.

She comforted me with,"Everyone builds credit. And here, you've done just that. It's completely excusable." At the time this didn't seem very comforting to me, and I continued to just spill apologies out of my mouth. Looking back on it, it meant a lot to me.

I have learned that over the course of 8 months, I've been awarded Employee of the Month which people who have been there over a year haven't even gotten. I've built friends and healthy co-worker relations. And I have established a great reference. I've sorted clearance for hours. I've done other's floor plans single-handedly. I've delivered some of the best customer service that store has ever seen. I've earned it all, by working my fucking ass off!

Seeing that I have no one to thank but myself really takes any fear of independence out of me.

Misunderstanding?

At times I must admit that the games in life (because that is all life is composed of) really exhaust me.

Today after school, I had detention with Profesora. It was alright despite the fact that her room was ridiculously hot. I got home a few minutes after five, and took a nap since I was going out with Diane, late tonight.

Once I awoke from my shower Diane was over, and Charles and his faggot-ass "friend" were over. Diane told me that she said I had detention--she has to be the stupidest friend I have. Fucking A. Then she said that Charles opened his fat mouth (for something other than food for a change) to say, "He got caught smoking on the stage." Apparently Aneta believed him. She's pissed about that.

Aneta told me Charles is the biggest liar she's ever met. If she's sticking by that statement, I think Aneta is the most naive, foolish, desperate woman I've ever met.

The other day I was informed that someone posted an ad on Craigslist for me. And undeniably, someone who say me at work, had indeed wanted to meet me. He's 48. Right there he was untouchable territory. But apparently I'm an idiot and I can't handle anything myself. I think Aneta thinks I was going to give it a go. Sorry, I don't want to end up with 4 failed marriages, and several affairs in between.

Aneta was mad at Charles the other day, but after I got out of the shower they were dancing. Are you serious. I know why Kind Arthur doesn't understand them and got out of dodge. Charles said he could take care of Aneta all on his own, have fun with that burger boy.

I'm still having a bit of a personal struggle still. I feel ugly and unwanted 99.9% of the time. I'm just a try hard with over plucked eyebrows, too much makeup, and too much gel in his hair. I'm just waiting for a revolution.

Not Worth Europe

Today was an eventful day to say the least.

This evening, was King Arthur's Uncle's funeral. At the funeral Aneta seemed to be segregated... and he stayed with his family and left her alone all night. His family glared at her all night. To make a long story short she told him off. She then proceeded to drive home without him. His brother had to bring him to the house, and tonight he is spending the night at mommy's.

This evening after everyone left, Diane, Aneta, and I sat to watch The Ugly Truth, to get her mind off things.

During the movie Charles called yelling at me to get my name out of his mouth. Lately he's been spending all of his free time with his "straight" (meaning closeted) friend. Which I don't care about, I just don't understand why he won't tell anyone they're having an affair, or that he wants one at least. He even jumped up and down one night when he called--COME ON! He told me he heard everything Diane and I were "saying," which I actually didn't say anything. I wanted to talk to Diane about them so bad, BUT I knew she'd open her big mouth so I didn't say anything. And it's not like I could tell many other people because most of the people who know aren't anyone I'd want to chat about it with.

Then he told me he wasn't going to bring me to work anymore. And he said "He shouldn't have gone to Europe then!" while on the phone with Aneta. After he got off the phone, Aneta explained things. She told me that when she told me she'd let me go to Europe, that I had to choose between that and a car. SHE NEVER SAID THAT! She continued to say that the money she acquired was originally for a car, and she never said that. I am so nice when people give me stuff, if she told me it was intended for a car, then that's what I would have asked for.

And I mean this with every bit of my heart: if that had been the case, I would have gotten that car and signed a contract that I couldn't leave the country until I turned 50. I would give up everything from that perfect trip for a car. I have never regretted something as beautiful as the French countryside, The Italian Alps, Big Ben, even my new friends and Sebastien. I'd repeat the 11th grade if it meant I could change my decision.

I don't think I can ever look back on that trip the same way again. I never seem to make the right decisions despite how much of I pushover I am to my family. I don't even know how to take off this bulky invincible exterior and let someone in and be a real human being. I'm so tired of trying to be me... and failing every time.

Ill, Yet Optimistic

I've been sick for a few days. It's been terrible. I have to work from six to ten tonight. I've worked 4 days in a row, I'm not used to it. I haven't seen Ronnie in a week as of today.

My nose has been conjested completely to the point that I can't even breathe out of my nose at times. At other times it's so runny that I feel like the world can see my nose turning into a waterfall. People can tell in how I act and how I look that I'm sick--it's pissing me off.

On Saturday night, Charles, Diane, Diane's sister, Abby, and myself along with other regulars at Outrage, went out to a Chinese Food Buffet when I got out of work. I was the only thin one. We went to Outrage after.

Sunday night at work was Derek's last day at work. He was moving back to Brazil, where he went to college. I had discussed what Brazil was like with him before. He has a girlfriend back there, I think it's adorable. Here I am, seeing how people CAN stand the test of time. I feel as if I am that person, I possess the patience.

Later on in my shift, I was chatting with Stacy. She is just as sick as me, and has the same opinions of it. She doesn't want people to treat her differently, or look at her differently just because she's got a cold.

I woke up late this morning, I wouldn't have been late to school if I weren't so high maintenance.

School today felt odd because it was rainy and dark all day. I ran sign-ups for the blood drive at school today. I have little homework, and as of Friday I am officially 5/8 of the way done with high school. I take the English Regents tomorrow and the next day, which will be a piece of cake.

I just had dinner. I'm going to get ready for work, and when I get home I'll just call Ronnie and go to bed. I think all I need is a little rest.

Greetings, Gays, and the GAP.

This evening at the GAP was one of the best nights I think I've ever had. Being after the holidays, the store happened to be in great condition, and I was closing for the first time in a while. A guy named Christian who had started there when he was my age, and one of the best managers there, Stacy, were closing with me. I looked fabulous and my make-up was still as fresh as it was at 1, when I came in. I also had a surprise lunch with Beyonce, better known as Sasha Fierce.

Initially when meeting Christian, I didn't like how he could give me a taste of my own sarcasm. He was cute too, but not as put together as myself. We warmed up to one another quickly after. I am slightly bothered that Stacy might like him more, and she liked me before he came back. We made fun of a woman in a wheel chair who wore sunglasses, and planned to bomb the store in the fitting rooms after closing. But meeting Christian was like meeting myself, gay and all--but not the current man of interest surprisingly.

Earlier in the day, around 3 or 4, I was just floating on the floor making sure things were tidy, and up to par. I was then approached by a woman who I remembered because she came in with a really cute, apparently gay, boy, who had a blond Mohawk, which to my surprise is multicultural, if you know what I mean. After establishing the fact that I'm gay (which was the hardest, and to me funniest, part for his friend Naomi), she asked for my number for him. Since he didn't approach me himself, I left him with my name to look me up on facebook. Haha, Internet, thanks for letting me establish a relationship from a distance. We will call this boy Ronnie.

I looked amazing today also. Despite being as sick as a dog, my style and visage were right on target. I looked great, my make-up was nice and smooth, my freshly washed outfit was crisp and flawless, they were painted on me with masculine precision. Everyone noticed, and realized, it was nice.

I hung out with Diane, and went to Outrage, it would have been better had Charles been home. But we had fun for the most part. I saw Ronnie on Facebook, and he has his nipples pierced which is a little off, but his tummy is so smooth, I'm gonna get him quick and easy. And I don't even know if I want to see Christian again, I love and hate him. I just know he's equally confident, which won't work, because I need to be that one in the relationship, but he's fucking fine as hell! I'm still in Outrage now, Diane left, and Charles is on his way I think, but he probably works tomorrow.

That's the GREAT DAY of Greetings, Gays and the GAP.