It's Over

It was the middle of August when Stevenson went to Washington DC. to do an internship with PETA, one of his favorite organizations. Being a radical liberal and vegan, it is no surprise that he jumped at the opportunity. Good for him though! I would have done the same thing had I been in his shoes.

He had asked me if I minded, and of course I said no. I mean, how many chances like this do people get? I knew it would be the last week that we had together before summer ended to spend together and I was pretty sure that he did too. I thought he would have mentioned that, but he didn't. Maybe in the excitement, it slipped his mind.

The week before he left, we didn't speak much. It was strange, but I didn't think much of it since he had been scheduled a lot at work and he was prepping for a long bus ride. Through the following week, while he was in DC, we didn't speak much. I was brought to the edge of insanity wondering how he was, what he was doing, and if he was thinking of me.

I did my best to not be the obnoxious boyfriend who nags, but I just had to know what was going on. It wasn't until he was on the way home (which was delayed due to Hurricane Irene) that he finally gave in to me and told me what was going on. I was informed that he needed "a better physical relationship before we could progress an emotional relationship". I had always thought that it was the other way around, but I was wrong. I felt like every song and movie that I ever related to had been a lie.

After this discussion I went to see one of my good friends, and co-worker, Lindsay. We went to Outrage and what a trip it was. She convinced me to break-up with Stevenson via BBM. So I did, with ulterior motives. I had planned to text him an hour or so after (I knew he would be going out, therefore I knew he would be under the influence of something) proclaiming that the way he felt when he read my text was how I felt the past two weeks. I was thinking this would change the way he looked at our relationship or at least make some progress, but I was wrong.

Ultimately this did change how we were when we were together. Although he did get very upset with me when I suggested we be friends, I knew we weren't going to get over this 'hump' of sorts. That was fine with me, and I didn't tell anyone, really, so I was able to say it was a mutual agreement since I didn't think Stevenson would appreciate me pridefully discussing how I broke up with him.

Honestly, I didn't think it would make me feel this way. I didn't think that I'd feel like this after only being together for just shy of four months, but I do. I'll never truly know his reason for suddenly becoming so distant either.

There are other things that I'd like to mention but I'm too embarrassed and insecure to talk about them publicly (or privately). Here I am, left feeling inadequate and never wanting to date again.

I loved Stevenson's company. Hell, I still love it! He's a good time. It's undeniable. I still say this despite how little I really got to know him. He had great friends who had similar, if not identical, interests. I'm saying goodbye to them also, since I don't really have another option. I'd like to stay in contact with them but that's not fair to Stevenson and most certainly won't make me move on any faster.

So here's to being single forever (yes, I was being serious). I will also continue to remain anonymous in the local gay community.

I wouldn't say that Stevenson is dead like she who must not be named, but I don't think I can consider him alive.

The Rosary

As I put together my outfit this morning, Porcelain Black's song, This Is What Rock and Roll Looks Like was playing. I felt the need to embrace some of my past fashions. I wore all black with a studded belt. I had on a lot of jewelery and eye liner. To top off the look, I wore rosary beads that I bought when I went to Italy last year.

I went out the door like any other day. It really wasn't any different. I got a lot of compliments on how I looked, but that usually happens every day.

A friend of mine commented on the rosary beads which I wore around my neck. I had mentioned them because for some reason I held the beads in my hand often. I had thought about how it may be offensive and brought that up. She said that it was ignorant of me to wear rosary beads like a necklace as a fashion statement.

When I bought them, I thought of Madonna and how killer she looked when she wore them. It was a big deal when she wore them, but that was a million years ago. I didn't expect to get any reaction.

With this thought I was concerned. Was I being rude my wearing the beads?

I kept them on because I felt like there was no real reason to take them off. Through the rest of the day I was much more aware of their presence. While holding them in my French class I thought about what they represented. I believe in God, and that all of the stories in the Bible teach good morals. While I may question Jesus' existence, I don't think that his character (fictional or non-fictional) was poor in any way.

I remember when Mary was sick in the hospital and was dying. She had asked me to say the rosary every time I saw her. I was young at the time, and I did not want her to die. I would say the whole entire rosary every night for her. My faith was strong.

Although, I don't blame myself for her death, as my faith grew weaker when I got older, so did her health. When she passed, my faith was restored. All of that time I spent where I didn't acknowledge my faith was careless. I was living without purpose. I believe that death and birth come in pairs. With the death of her life came the birth of my stronger faith.

Wearing a rosary wasn't just a fashion statement. Faith isn't apparent at first glance. In wearing a rosary, I wore my faith close to my heart.

It's a shame, but I'm not wearing those rosary beads any time soon.