Sunday, March 27, 2011


There was a day when I loved who I was. I loved who I was becoming. I love every thought I had. I was so preoccupied and naive.

My friends and I were people of a very specific genre. As their personalities sharpened to fit an increasingly more specific genre mine did not. I woke up and I smelled the roses.

They were beautiful and nothing like anything that I'd ever experienced.

Usually when people test themselves they never follow through. Not I. I was going to carry thought. On January 7th (which was the day, last year that Ronnie and I started dating), I bought 7 tee shirts. I also shaved my head. I put all of my beautiful clothes in storage, and took my old Adidas sneakers out of storage. I was going back to a time when life was simple.

I have dressed up a small handful of times since then. I don't wear makeup, and I only shave once or twice a week. I've been building up a COMPLETELY brand new wardrobe. I needed to do this so that my new, revamped, not-so-fake personality would be fitting for an equally refreshing wardrobe.

I know it doesn't make much sense how this could fix my rude demeanor.

Fashion and beauty were everything that I relied on. So far in life, they had gotten me everywhere. They got me my job. They got me attention. They got me noticed. Now is a time in life where no one is rating your picture, and they don't even know what shoes you're wearing, let alone care.

I'm growing up. I'm an adult now. I may have appeared to have not changed, and my humor is still the same; I have changed. Inside I know what is real. I know what is fake. I know when to be casual and when to be reserved.

I'm a people person. Whether I chose this path, or a more lucid one, I'd still be adored. I'd rather be adored for the right reasons though. Don't get me wrong though--I love Lindsay Lohan.

I've been fixing problems in my life. I've been fixing every person I've wanted to fix things with. I've been demolishing the people who wouldn't support this side of me.

I want to be out there and in the open. Really though, I don't want that. I'm taking a new approach with people. I'm so good at reading people and reading between the lines that this new way of life has been a great transition from what was.

I'm going to be myself for what it's worth,
and it's worth the world to me.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Bathhouse

The girls from my lunch table and I were breaking CDs into small pieces in order to make something magnificent. At first we thought we were breaking up mirrors. For what we were working on, the only thing that would work would be mirror shards. In some time one of the girls pointed this out to me.

We were infuriated that all the time we spent on the platform was wasted on something completely inadequate. The girls disappeared into thin air, as they always seem to do. We're never together very long so it was probably a good time for them to vanish.

After this moment I found myself in the bathhouse, I was naked and just freshly bathed. I passed another person entering into the showers as I exited. It was Aaren.

As I was half-way through the main area that preceded the showers I had an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be naked. This wasn't until after I had passed Reg who was on his way into the showers, butt naked. He stood there in all of his glory, perfectly toned. We exchanged words for a minute in a flirtatious way yet it wasn't uncomfortable even though we were both naked.

As I passed him my clothes came on me, naturally. The exit had no door, and exited in what seemed to be a school hallway or maybe a corridor to the community center. I saw myself walking out and exiting to the left into the empty corridor.

I ran into Monsieur Colt. He had been previously involved in other chapters of my life, but had yet to specifically victimize me.

I have never seen his face nor have I ever seen the aftermath of his visits. He stabbed me in the lower stomach. He knew what he was doing since the whole world seemed to stay silent. He dragged me across the floor with my head under his arm and his hand over my mouth. He promptly came up behind Reg and dug the dagger into his lower stomach.

The man that Reg is, was not the Reg that I saw here. He was weak and helpless. Monsieur Colt didn't want to kill his victims. I think he wanted to keep them, but that is unknown to me. He had dropped me down, lying on the floor disabled next to Reg.

He headed into the showers where Aaren would make his first encounter with him. I couldn't do anything to help. I was even too emotionally paralyzed to cry or scream. I only frowned in misery.

The ending may have been reluctant. Perhaps Aaren escaped and we were all rescued. Or maybe I'm just naive.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I met William a few months ago. For a while I questioned if he was worth giving a name since I never had the desire to write about him. But now I am writing so that his name wasn't one wasted.

He and I weren't really friends for very long. It was apparent from the beginning that we both saw more in one another than that.

In the beginning we couldn't get enough of one another. Well, I couldn't get enough of him. After a period of time, William realized that I was seriously interested in him. After this I then became the needy one. Now it's not that I was needy in a bad way, but I was needy in the way that made him feel in control.

For the longest period of time he refused to talk on the phone. He was trying to build curiosity. He was building up my excitement. And for what? To let me down.

Every morning for the past few months I would text him before I went to school, and work. I would always clue him in on what I was up to. He did that less and less. It turned into me texting him all the time. I was always desperate to try and keep his interest in any kind of conversation.

Some time passed still and I went silent. Things had only gotten worse.

At one point I asked him why he talked to other boys. He seemed confused. I questioned why he called other boys baby online and flirted with them out in the open. He then denied it. He began to question my fidelity which was perplexing to me. He would ask why people like Alejandro are posting on my wall. He knew full well that I thought Alejandro was obnoxious, along with all the others he accused me of being interested in.

Now that we don't talk, he only flirts harder. He only shows more interest. I knew I was an afterthought. I knew no one would ever genuinely put me first.

William said that when I text him first in the morning it made him feel like he was being thought of. I thought to myself, I never get texted first. It pained me to know that I wasn't being thought of. It didn't make him feel thought of, it made him feel powerful.

I confided so much in William. I told him so much, I let him in on things that I felt uncomfortable sharing. He wouldn't even show me his new haircut. That's how little he trusted me.

When these many feelings collided, it started a series of arguments. The only way I could get his attention was to be rude and confuse him with my expansive vocabulary to which his was inferior. From there I would take my time carefully explaining his contradictions, and how I felt. He never saw my point. He never once said he understood nor did he admit to being wrong.

Every argument ended with: "I don't wanna do this any more."

I didn't know how he felt then, and I don't know how he feels now. He's a sealed envelop that's lost in the mail. Some letters take some time to come around, and others never do.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I was walking down a busy road in a populous city. There was the back to what seemed to be a factory to my left, with a large fire escape with several turns. Aneta and a few other familiar people were walking to my right and behind me.

A loud and disconcerting noise plagued the air. I could feel it getting dark. I could feel the world caving in. I looked to the sky for an answer; that was when I saw it approaching. I ran to the fire escape as quickly as I could. Climbing several steps at a time, I headed for my escape. Familiar and unfamiliar faces followed as the shadows quickly swept in. I hurtled over a locked gate leaving everything I knew, and everything I had yet to know behind.

The powerful wave touched down and cleaned the streets. I couldn't hear it, nor could I feel it. When the iron door shut and I was considered safe I began to walk around inside the dark, seemingly empty building.

I came across machinery for stuffed animal assembly. I thought this seemed to be random since the building advertised that a new aquarium would be coming soon. Despite the irony, there were no signs of an aquarium. Inside it was dry, and safe.

I had been removed from the building without my knowledge. I woke up in a neighborhood that was forested despite it's many homes. I was clothing-less, walking up a steep curved road.

I was comfortable. The air was soothing and the breeze wouldn't be noticeable if it weren't for the trees swaying. I came across an older woman, who came off eccentric yet easy to talk to. Nothing about the way she looked was familiar but the way she felt was very familiar.

She and I walked very slowly to the end of her driveway, which was of moderate length, and back. She did all of the talking. Her words were heard although I cannot recall what any of them were. She spoke with ease and elegance. It were as if she were reciting something she had kept inside of her for eternity.

I was in her home sitting in the couch for a period of time. I was in clothes that were my own, and that she must have found and given me.

She was later standing in the dining room, which was also the kitchen, with me. A tall young woman came in. She was wearing a long cloak-like coat and large, rounded sunglasses. She was looking in the direction of the old woman in a way that felt evil. The old woman looked through her thick spectacles at the woman in a way that indicated she was notorious for her all-around good reputation.

The naive old woman was unable to make the connection to who the woman really was. I found myself eye-to-eye with her as she held a large staff in her left hand that stood as tall as she was. It had a round top, with a sharp, pointed end.

She raised her staff to me, going in for the kill. I gained complete control of the weapon with threatening vengeance. I raised the tool and guided it into the middle of her forehead that was completely exposed by her pulled-back hair. With that I pulled the staff down the middle of her face. She was without reaction through disarming her and experiencing her demise.

The old woman had disappeared. I was alone. Her sunglasses were removed through the ordeal yet she still remained unexposed.

I released all of the demons inside of my soul in one swift swipe yet I could feel them still running through my veins.