William

I met William a few months ago. For a while I questioned if he was worth giving a name since I never had the desire to write about him. But now I am writing so that his name wasn't one wasted.

He and I weren't really friends for very long. It was apparent from the beginning that we both saw more in one another than that.

In the beginning we couldn't get enough of one another. Well, I couldn't get enough of him. After a period of time, William realized that I was seriously interested in him. After this I then became the needy one. Now it's not that I was needy in a bad way, but I was needy in the way that made him feel in control.

For the longest period of time he refused to talk on the phone. He was trying to build curiosity. He was building up my excitement. And for what? To let me down.

Every morning for the past few months I would text him before I went to school, and work. I would always clue him in on what I was up to. He did that less and less. It turned into me texting him all the time. I was always desperate to try and keep his interest in any kind of conversation.

Some time passed still and I went silent. Things had only gotten worse.

At one point I asked him why he talked to other boys. He seemed confused. I questioned why he called other boys baby online and flirted with them out in the open. He then denied it. He began to question my fidelity which was perplexing to me. He would ask why people like Alejandro are posting on my wall. He knew full well that I thought Alejandro was obnoxious, along with all the others he accused me of being interested in.

Now that we don't talk, he only flirts harder. He only shows more interest. I knew I was an afterthought. I knew no one would ever genuinely put me first.

William said that when I text him first in the morning it made him feel like he was being thought of. I thought to myself, I never get texted first. It pained me to know that I wasn't being thought of. It didn't make him feel thought of, it made him feel powerful.

I confided so much in William. I told him so much, I let him in on things that I felt uncomfortable sharing. He wouldn't even show me his new haircut. That's how little he trusted me.

When these many feelings collided, it started a series of arguments. The only way I could get his attention was to be rude and confuse him with my expansive vocabulary to which his was inferior. From there I would take my time carefully explaining his contradictions, and how I felt. He never saw my point. He never once said he understood nor did he admit to being wrong.

Every argument ended with: "I don't wanna do this any more."

I didn't know how he felt then, and I don't know how he feels now. He's a sealed envelop that's lost in the mail. Some letters take some time to come around, and others never do.

I Am Caesar Smithe

Late last night I decided that I really am Caesar Smithe, all of my qualities lately have owned up, quite fully, to the more outspoken qualities I possess.

Last night, I told off Alejandro, who hasn't quite reached the point of dead, like she who must not be named. I have been a very good friend to Alejandro, and his complete lack of effort in our friendship has been pissing me off for a little while now. He can be such a sweetheart, but such a whore.

Alejandro isn't the only one who's been getting on my nerves lately. One of my co-workers, Nigel. Nigel is a know-it-all. He is a men's specialist, and feels overly-entitled as such. He does great work, don't get me wrong, but he thinks he's such hot shit. He's just your typical, black faggot, who think's he's fashionable and has snaggle teeth. His boyfriend is ugly. I've also been informed by other mall employees that he's known as "The Slut of Gay.com" here in the area. You must be proud. Just remember Nigel, I've been Employee of the Month before, and you haven't... I'm better than you.

He told me in confidence, how many people he has slept with, so I will not expose that truth, even in anger. But let's just say it's more than 10 people (I'm choking laughing).

The third person to fill me with rage lately is my Mother.

A few days ago, my half-sister added me on Facebook. I haven't seen her since I turned 10. I haven't seen my Mother since then either. I would love to see the both of them. But why should I after they allowed Potter (the douche my mother is engaged to), to dictate who they spoke to. I guess I was a little too VIP for the list. Why now? Am I finally good enough? Was it my mother's idea, or my fat, half-sister's? Regardless, I'm still hurt, and I'm not pleased.

And with that said, I don't just feel, I act. I really people think that I'm an ass who curses too much. I'm honest, and I don't lose any sleep.

And I'm going to get what I want... as Caesar Smithe.

Alejandro

Alejandro is a beautiful man, with a wide jaw, and an even wider heart. I could gaze into his green eyes until I go blind. He drives me mad, and there's a terrible delight in my heart when he's around...

Yes, I am aware that disappointment lives around the corner from perfection.

When I first met Alejandro, I expected him to be just another work of art I could be best friends with for a night, but as the days progressed, we just clicked. We share everything, like real best friends do. He thinks I'm beautiful, and I think he is as well, but we both know we aren't compatible, so the lust is enough for the two of us.

Alejandro was dating Xavier, who hardly deserves a name as far as I'm concerned, up until three days ago. Alejandro has just moved into a large city in the South-Eastern United States, and feels like at age 20, he's too perfect and freshly out of the closet to be tied down at this time in his life. That was his reason for leaving Xavier, who thought the sun rose and set on Alejandro, and was then deceived. Xavier wasn't very interesting anyway, in my personal opinion.

Alejandro told me he was going through a hard time, and didn't think he'd get back in the ring soon. In such a context, soon, means less than 48 hours. My stupidity is showing, I know.

Not.

So two nights ago, he decided he was going to invite Alejandro's Man 1, over. They drank wine and "watched a movie." In gay language that means, make out and fondle one another. I can tell he's having a real HARD time.

The next night, last night, he invites Alejandro's Man 2, over. He's a hairdresser, who met up with him an hour late, and made him walk up a hill to meet him because he's a mother fucking pansy. Anyways, Alejandro let him stay the night too. Alejandro had to go to work this morning with hickeys up and down his neck. And it showed all day. Wear them like the trashy, rebound badges they are.

What makes me so upset is that someone who came out of the closet only a few months ago knows more gays than me, and has more gays who want to be with him. I guess us gays who can't help but look like gays will never be victorious.

I struggle more, and have it ten times harder than the "straight-looking" gays and yet they always seem to be less proud. And they seem to receive more affection.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.

Just smoke my cigarette and hush.