Anger

I've always known that I'm a generally aggressive person. I acknowledge the fact that I displace and suppress a lot of my anger, hate, and rage, in order to have better social interactions.

Today in Art Class, my teacher questioned me, "Why do you cuss so much?"

I was quick to excuse my crude vocabulary with, "If people didn't piss me off so much, I wouldn't have a reason to curse." I tend to think that I'm easily agitated. Now I'm sitting here thinking that maybe people are just stupid. Isn't that so disgustingly vain of me?

For the rest of the day after being questioned, I thought about who I'm usually mean towards and who I share my true sources of hate with. I'm mean to everyone, really. I'm mean to some of my coworkers, my friends at school, and the people I live with. The people who I'm NOT mean to though--those seem to be the far-and-few-between who don't piss me off.

If for some reason, there is a person who pisses me off and for one reason, or another and just can't help but piss me the fuck off, I just channel all that rage into something else. When this happens, I notice that I start to hate myself. It comes in many forms. It ranges anywhere from feeling fat or ugly, or even under-measuring my successes.

To branch out on another note--I noticed that although "people" piss me off, it's not their fault. A lot of the time I'm jealous, I want what they have.

So I guess "life's a bitch, and then you die."

It should be, "life's a bitch, and then you live miserable."

I was about to start a sentence with "Now I know that..." and then I realized that I have NO idea what I'm talking about. I sat and thought, "What the hell do I know?"

I just need realize that life isn't fair. I have to get the fuck over it and stop being so damn mean.

Rebirth

There was a day when I loved who I was. I loved who I was becoming. I love every thought I had. I was so preoccupied and naive.

My friends and I were people of a very specific genre. As their personalities sharpened to fit an increasingly more specific genre mine did not. I woke up and I smelled the roses.

They were beautiful and nothing like anything that I'd ever experienced.

Usually when people test themselves they never follow through. Not I. I was going to carry thought. On January 7th (which was the day, last year that Ronnie and I started dating), I bought 7 tee shirts. I also shaved my head. I put all of my beautiful clothes in storage, and took my old Adidas sneakers out of storage. I was going back to a time when life was simple.

I have dressed up a small handful of times since then. I don't wear makeup, and I only shave once or twice a week. I've been building up a COMPLETELY brand new wardrobe. I needed to do this so that my new, revamped, not-so-fake personality would be fitting for an equally refreshing wardrobe.

I know it doesn't make much sense how this could fix my rude demeanor.

Fashion and beauty were everything that I relied on. So far in life, they had gotten me everywhere. They got me my job. They got me attention. They got me noticed. Now is a time in life where no one is rating your picture, and they don't even know what shoes you're wearing, let alone care.

I'm growing up. I'm an adult now. I may have appeared to have not changed, and my humor is still the same; I have changed. Inside I know what is real. I know what is fake. I know when to be casual and when to be reserved.

I'm a people person. Whether I chose this path, or a more lucid one, I'd still be adored. I'd rather be adored for the right reasons though. Don't get me wrong though--I love Lindsay Lohan.

I've been fixing problems in my life. I've been fixing every person I've wanted to fix things with. I've been demolishing the people who wouldn't support this side of me.

I want to be out there and in the open. Really though, I don't want that. I'm taking a new approach with people. I'm so good at reading people and reading between the lines that this new way of life has been a great transition from what was.

I'm going to be myself for what it's worth,

and it's worth the world to me.

Europe II

This blog on Europe will tell you about some of the new friends I made.

Since I've already told you about Marilyn in the past, I don't see any point in elaborating on the ridiculously unhealthy amount of fun we had. I even told her mom (also my US History teacher), The Nark, what a queef was, and I didn't even offend her. Marilyn and I had a great time taking pictures in the shadows of Italy, and searching for dress shops. We gallivanted through a romantic park in Paris as if we were a couple and smoked a cigarette. She and I will always have one thing in common--disliking The Midwest due to it's boring landscape.

Next on the agenda would be Gretta. She and I bonded the whole time. She looks like she stepped straight out of Eastern Europe. We made fun of the world and endlessly called each other perfect. When we were in Italy, people who were selling faux leather jackets kept trying to sell them to her. I pretended to be her boyfriend to one guy, and he said, "I'll give you 2 free coats, and you'll be my girlfriend!" Another offered her 50% off. And we were joking about 100% off, another vendor offered her 150% off. They were going to pay her to take the fucking coat!

Third I have Brittany. She is from Newfoundland. She clicked with me immediately, we went for late night strolls in each neighborhood to smoke with her friend. When we were on the overnight train, I was feeling homesick, and she sat in my bunk with me for a couple of hours, and talked with me. We really got to open up to one another. Unfortunately in the in, she ended up disappointing me.

Then we have Aaren, oh Aaren. He was quite possibly the only straight man who I've ever enjoyed their company. He's a freshman, and he was interested in broadening his horizons and understanding the gay culture, he even smoked a cigarette with me, so he earned points there. He let me do his brows too! On the last night, he was bragging about his body to me, and let me feel every muscle of his body. And let me tell you, he is so fucking sexy, I can't up it in words. YUM!

Samantha and Liz were from Newfoundland like Brittany. You'll hear more about them in the next blog. But these girls are so sweet, they danced on a table in a club in Italy with me, and even built a fort in their hotel room with me.

Last if Sebastien, but he's basically the whole theme of my next blog on ROMANCE.

Crue

For a few weeks now, when I'm on my break at work, I wonder the mall. I always make sure I can make my way into K-mart because of Crue, a beautiful, gorgeous man.

While Diane and I were walking the mall, we went to K-mart of make a purchase. I just wanted an XXX Vitamin Water. I made the mistake of pointing out my immense crush on Crue. She teased, and threatened to tell him, and ask his number for me. But I threatened her back effectively.

I went to the register to pay, and Diane and I were discussing him. The outspoken associate piped up and said, "Are you talking about someone who works here?" Diane immediately said no, but I admitted it to her. It seemed harmless.

I had grabbed her interest immediately. I didn't know his name, so I began to describe him. I said, the tall, tan, slender one by customer service. She asked about him by name, and I was curious, she told me his name was Crue. I was so happy to finally know his name. Diane begged the associate, who's name tag read Gene, to tell him. She giggled with the excitement she so rarely sees involving work.

I asked her, desperately, not to say a word. She told me she wouldn't. As Diane and I walked out I saw her talking to him, and him looking back. I felt like I ruined all chances with him, I woulds never be able to go to his checkout again.

Gene, I hope we may be able to become friends, you're really cool. And thanks for telling him for me because she taught me not to be afraid to open up. I just want to be more forward about all of my feelings and emotions.

Crue, I look forward to seeing your beautiful face during my break on Sunday.