Rebirth

There was a day when I loved who I was. I loved who I was becoming. I love every thought I had. I was so preoccupied and naive.

My friends and I were people of a very specific genre. As their personalities sharpened to fit an increasingly more specific genre mine did not. I woke up and I smelled the roses.

They were beautiful and nothing like anything that I'd ever experienced.

Usually when people test themselves they never follow through. Not I. I was going to carry thought. On January 7th (which was the day, last year that Ronnie and I started dating), I bought 7 tee shirts. I also shaved my head. I put all of my beautiful clothes in storage, and took my old Adidas sneakers out of storage. I was going back to a time when life was simple.

I have dressed up a small handful of times since then. I don't wear makeup, and I only shave once or twice a week. I've been building up a COMPLETELY brand new wardrobe. I needed to do this so that my new, revamped, not-so-fake personality would be fitting for an equally refreshing wardrobe.

I know it doesn't make much sense how this could fix my rude demeanor.

Fashion and beauty were everything that I relied on. So far in life, they had gotten me everywhere. They got me my job. They got me attention. They got me noticed. Now is a time in life where no one is rating your picture, and they don't even know what shoes you're wearing, let alone care.

I'm growing up. I'm an adult now. I may have appeared to have not changed, and my humor is still the same; I have changed. Inside I know what is real. I know what is fake. I know when to be casual and when to be reserved.

I'm a people person. Whether I chose this path, or a more lucid one, I'd still be adored. I'd rather be adored for the right reasons though. Don't get me wrong though--I love Lindsay Lohan.

I've been fixing problems in my life. I've been fixing every person I've wanted to fix things with. I've been demolishing the people who wouldn't support this side of me.

I want to be out there and in the open. Really though, I don't want that. I'm taking a new approach with people. I'm so good at reading people and reading between the lines that this new way of life has been a great transition from what was.

I'm going to be myself for what it's worth,

and it's worth the world to me.

Sans Les Cheveux

I decided that it was time for change once again. This Sunday I decided to have my hair cut (1).

This haircut is one that I've wanted for a very long time. I never really expressed it to anyone since most people would have tried to convince me against it. I'm tired of reaching out to people and getting negativity. Although I am one of the most pessimistic people that I know, I do not immediately give negative feedback. I know that I don't know best. I know that I know what I like.

I've never had my hair this short, and I can't even being to explain how liberated I feel.

Although it doesn't have the effortless look that I wanted it sure is effortless.

Some of the opinions expressed by others included, "What did you do? You had such beautiful hair!" Hair grows back so I don't get why people are getting all bent out of shape? I mean it's not like they just shaved their head in the middle of January. "Aren't you cold?", has also been a popular response. No shit I'm fucking cold. -__-

Other people have said things like, "YOU'RE A GOD", "You're so sexy", "You are so fierce, I can't even handle it." It's amazing how people can change for a good opinion of me to a great opinion. I know that I look more attractive. This haircut opens up my face making how I perfect I am inherently obvious. Makeup further enhances this (I know I didn't think I could improve on perfection either).

But wait! A third party exists believe it or not. That would consist of those who have made no positive or negative comments, even no comments at all. At work, some people said, "You look so much older", "You look so masculine", and "You have amazing bone structure." At school I even got, "You look more like a girl now." That was a little funny since I don't think I look like Shuga. To address those who haven't said anything, thank you. Assholes.

Even though it has only been 4 days, it will continue to feel like the first day for a week or so, I'm sure.

I may have done a lot of things to please myself, but I have altered those things time to time due to unimportant opinions. It feels great to finally realize that I don't need to listen to the negative criticism of my 'friends.

Everyone's a critic.

Myself included.