Monday, December 27, 2010


For the past few months, I have grown to realize that I really am the only family that I have.

I've never really had a normal life as far as my family is concerned. When I was around 4, I remember my dad kicking my mom out of the house. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs as my dad yelled at my mother, and she left for good. As the door shut, I ran to the porch, just to get one last look. I felt like my life had ended.

My parents had broken up since my dad had put the pieces of the puzzle together, and realized that my sister, wasn't my sister at all. My mother was notorious for meeting strangers, and handing out her phone number. Afterwards, when someone would call, she would claim that she didn't remember giving them the number. This should come to no surprise, since she had a brain aneurysm at 18, and was left with severe short-term memory loss.

My dad knew that my mother was seeing another man, or at least he had a hunch. And after they had their third child he had gotten verification. As my sister got older, my dad realized that she was quite tall, and she had blond hair. My dad is 5'9" and my mom is 5'5". Both of them have black hair also. It didn't make sense. My dad knew who the other man was now.

My dad had had a paternity test done. He was not the father. This led to their separation. My mom left her two sons for her new man. And my dad had just raised a child for 3 years, and come to find out, it wasn't even his.

I had visited her on weekends for a long time, since my dad knew how much I loved my mom. He knew that I was her favorite, despite her leaving me. I remember she would call me all the time. And since she had such terrible memory loss, she would call me A LOT, because she would forget that we just spoke on the phone a few hours ago. Knowing that I was on her mind often, made me feel better about her not living with me.

After a while though, my mom and my sister's father, as well as my sister moved into a house after living in apartments for years. My mom's fiancée had accused me from stealing from his home when I was around 10. After that he prohibited my mother from talking to me. I never heard from her again. It wasn't for quite some time until this really began to sink in.

The next year a friend's mother had proposed that I move in with her. Now, I know that she didn't just ask me, and see if I would do it. I know my dad had asked her if she would. And the thing is that no one has ever told me that, even though I'm smart enough to figure it out.

After moving out with family friends I realized that my dad gave me up. My dad didn't care about the past 11 years. The only thing he cared about was living his life the way HE wanted. I was a great child. I can only remember a small handful of times where I really made him mad.

But my disobedient older brother was the one he decided to keep. He decided to give up the perfect child who was destined for the stars. I bet it was for one of those stupid reasons like he just wanted the best for me. Honestly, his life has been a downward spiral since I left, and it's unfortunate.

As far as I'm concerned though--I don't have a family. I just have me, myself and I. That is all I will ever need. I'm not going to allow the poor life decisions of other people define me.

If people weren't pulling me in 8 million different directions, it would be easier for me to truly convince myself that I only need myself. As for right now, I couldn't feel more alone.

I can't wait for someone to come along and remind me of what it's like to feel alive.