Mother's Day

While others sit around with their families enjoying a day of celebrating the idea of motherhood, I have no idea what I will find myself doing.

Seeing as how I don't have my mom, or my parents for that matter, I don't really know how to celebrate or if I should celebrate at all. There are days where I think of my parents, specifically my mother and reminisce. There are also days where I go on about my life as if I gave it to myself.

Working retail, I see fathers and their children of all ages going around the mall searching for the perfect gift to give. What am I searching for?

Having Facebook, I see people posting new default photos of them in their mothers and families and whatnot to celebrate. What do I post?

On Twitter, a friend of mine who has three beautiful younger siblings posts a photo of the brand new white iPhone 4 that he bought his mother for Mother's Day. What do I brag about?

And at school, everyone is talking about their weekend plans with their parents and going out to dinner and surprises. What do I discuss?

I'm searching for closure.

I post a new picture of myself.

I brag about Stevenson.

I discuss my phony content.

So on this holiday I will celebrate with the family that I have and pay my respects to all of the mothers out there. Unfortunately I won't feel the thankfulness and fulfillment that everyone else will be enjoying.

So Happy Mother's Day to my mother--who has so clearly forgotten about her second child.

Stevenson

Yet again I have learned that someone will become a long-term character in the story that is my life. Stevenson is the latest of love interests and one of the most genuine at that.

It's been well over a year since my last real relationship (Ronnie). It's also been just over a year since I've crushed on someone hard (Sebastien). Now both are coming in the same package and I'm happy again.

I feel like myself again, now that someone has come along and shared part of my life with me. Although I may have met him only a short week or so ago, I'm smitten.

I still didn't feel like myself the first night that I drove out to Troy to see him. I didn't have that sparkle or the attitude, and my ego was dwindled nearly down to nothing. As I'm sure I have made clear, the glamour in my life is what keeps me going. My life had gone into a downward spiral of confusion. I didn't know which route to take and if I could go back to being Caesar Smithe.

Truth be told--I blame Stevenson. He gave me a reason to smile and look forward to everything whether it be work, school, or working on making him my boyfriend. We're the same type of person and I like that there is little to no competition between us.

I think he can see that I want to do this right. Stevenson knows that I've told people about us and what we've done but only he knows the happiness he given me by that.

I still feel like that insecure person that I was over the past four months. Some of the sadness and depression comes back for short waves and then I am reminded about how much I have going for me. Then I smile.

The first day that Stevenson, and I hung out my mouth began to hurt. Now don't get all perverted, because he doesn't kiss THAT aggressively. The gum on the right side of my mouth was swollen. I had checked it and the two teeth my orthodontist couldn't fix for the longest time finally closed up.

I was so happy that the next visit would be my last appointment before my braces would finally be removed. The two teeth look exactly how he said they would. They're far beyond perfect now.

Let's see how the next two weeks turn out because if I remember correctly, being someone other than Caesar Smithe was supposed to continue until Mother's Day. I still have another shopping trip that I need to get done and some more work on myself. I have yet to learn what I had intended to teach myself since I've gone back to my ways of complimenting myself in the mirror.

One of the biggest things that I needed to learn was when to set my arrogance aside. I have yet to master this with the people who have been in my life since before I decided to teach myself this lesson but I have with the new people who have come along.

Stevenson,

Right now, you drive me crazy.

Will you hold it against me?