Cheating

While the word cheating may indicate many different things, I think it is very obvious that I am not talking about my last Pre-Calculus test.

A few days ago I found myself thinking about how I would feel if I were to be cheated on. I thought to myself that I wouldn't care if I never found out and I didn't get an STD. As you can see, my iron exterior is starting to convince my subconscious that my emotions are composed of iron also.

For a while now, Stevenson has been telling me about an internet friend of his. I guess he lives in the backwoods of some retarded conservative state that won't turn blue any time soon. They've been friends for a very long time, of course. His friend submitted photos to Ford Models out of a recommendation. After multiple trips to New York and whatnot he was informed that out of thousands who submitted, he was one of the very, very few selected. So this kid has to be pretty damn attractive, right?

Stevenson told me that his friend was moving to New York last week. He wanted to visit him before he got famous. He didn't want his friend thinking that he only wanted to become his friend once he got famous--if he gets famous.

He made plans with me for yesterday, Tuesday, and therefore wan't going to go. He also said that he didn't really have the money anyways.

On Saturday night, Stevenson informed me that his friend had found more affordable tickets for him to come to the city. Stevenson made it sound like a day trip, so I didn't really give a fuck. As it set in, I came up with that half-baked notion of how I would feel if I were cheated on.

The next day I found out that it wasn't a day trip. It was an overnight trip. Stevenson was going to go on Monday evening. I figured he was going to be home on Tuesday night. I still wasn't worried because I still had myself convinced that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

This morning I found out that the trip was taking course over three days. He had stayed over for two nights. I felt like there was so much that I wasn't filled in on. I know that Stevenson is a little dense but why wouldn't he tell me how long the trip was. He was vague about the whole thing.

Today at school, I had a lot of quiet time to think to myself and I don't feel convinced that I have security anymore. Now I know that we've only been together since May 7th, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be peeved. Being in a relationship means that you're exclusive.

I got to thinking about why people cheat. I could only come up with the idea that people get bored of their sexual relationship. I had other ideas but I don't think that I have the right to question the mental sanity of others.

Am I a bad kisser? Am I bad in bed?

I couldn't see how this could be possible because whenever we're alone the only thing he wants to do is fuck and shit. The only time we seem to ever talk is when we're with other people. He's politically retarded and stubborn so he just talks crazy sometimes. It's like when we're having sex is the only time that I feel like he's enjoying my company.

So do I think that the last-minute, shady trip to New York City to see a long-term friend that he's never met, who's becoming a model was a booty call?

Why wouldn't I?!

I'm not going to say anything, or act different. I only have my suspicions.

It's not a judgement on my character. As long as I'm a good, honest person, I can live with myself. I don't have skeletons in my closet.

Different Kind Of Fame

As I sat in the assembly I heard name after name being called. People with great academic performances and selfless resumes walked before me. I was so glad that someone could fulfill the cookie cutter mold that was created for them. Unfortunately I was too small in their eyes to fill this mold.

I remember a day when I wanted to be that person. I wanted the recognition and the fame of sorts. On the other hand, I wanted something to show for my work that was tangible. Unlike the other people, I was self supported, wealthy for my age, had a killer wardrobe, and a life. I wanted people to see what I put my time into when they didn't even know my name. I didn't want one day of all the glory that I receive during the year.

It may seem foolish, and it occasionally sounds foolish to me too. I gave up academic greatness and the societal future that I could have had for material possessions. I just hope that the route that I chose will come with the same prosperities, if not more.

She announced their accomplishments as each individual walked across the stage. I thought to myself... I have no accomplishments. Then I really thought hard about it and I do have an equal number of accomplishments if not more. Mine are also of equal or greater stature.

I realized that my accomplishments aren't ideal. Yes, people admired and respected them but they weren't about to give me a scholarship for it or a title.

With a puss on my face, I sat in silence as the National Honor Society inductees got what they worked for.

I used to get chills as the qualities were announced. I used to be impressed. This assembly was my fourth. It had gotten old. I had heard the same speeches reiterated year-after-year. I heard the flaws in their speaking and saw the weakness in their eyes.

What does it take to be one of them?

It takes being the student council president that smokes weed. It takes being the horny jock that sends out dick pictures. It takes being the president of the class of 2011 who talks about people behind their back. It takes being the wallflower who has no social life and lives for school and volunteer work. It takes being the student of the month that pops pills in school. It takes being the ex-fat kid who got a girl to hook up with him in exchange for driving her home.

My fame may be based off of some shameful facts accompanied by achievement that shadow them, but it most certainly NOT based off of lies and deception.

I realized that I'm more recognized on a daily basis. I'd rather have my details splashed across page 6 frequently than have my face on the front page for one day.

I've never really been a cover girl but I have been a hot topic these years passed.

I'm Miss. Bad Media Karma, another day, another drama.

Decision

This is the part where I have to make a choice.

There's so much competition in my head.

I just don't know why I can't hear the voice.

I have no idea which way I'm being led.

My life continues to be unclear.

But I still have to budget my time.

My final decision is coming near.

And I just don't know if I'll do fine.

Here's the part where I stand on edge.

I'm looking east and west.

But it's north and south that have me wedged.

Going this way, I'll do my best.

The circumstances have me in quite the bind.

Nothing can restrict me or make me fade.

Something great is what I hope to find.

Time is up; my decision is made.

Mother's Day

While others sit around with their families enjoying a day of celebrating the idea of motherhood, I have no idea what I will find myself doing.

Seeing as how I don't have my mom, or my parents for that matter, I don't really know how to celebrate or if I should celebrate at all. There are days where I think of my parents, specifically my mother and reminisce. There are also days where I go on about my life as if I gave it to myself.

Working retail, I see fathers and their children of all ages going around the mall searching for the perfect gift to give. What am I searching for?

Having Facebook, I see people posting new default photos of them in their mothers and families and whatnot to celebrate. What do I post?

On Twitter, a friend of mine who has three beautiful younger siblings posts a photo of the brand new white iPhone 4 that he bought his mother for Mother's Day. What do I brag about?

And at school, everyone is talking about their weekend plans with their parents and going out to dinner and surprises. What do I discuss?

I'm searching for closure.

I post a new picture of myself.

I brag about Stevenson.

I discuss my phony content.

So on this holiday I will celebrate with the family that I have and pay my respects to all of the mothers out there. Unfortunately I won't feel the thankfulness and fulfillment that everyone else will be enjoying.

So Happy Mother's Day to my mother--who has so clearly forgotten about her second child.

I Do? I Don't!

It's not everyday that we hear a story of how someone was turned down. This may range anywhere from no to a job interview or no to dating someone that you're interested in.

Yesterday, Stevenson asked me to go official with him.

I told him it was too soon--he understood where I was coming from, thankfully.

It was in my room on my bed in the middle of a make-out session. He asked me if I wanted to be official with him. I don't know how dense you could be to not get it, but asking me this would mean that we were already unofficially dating.

With this comfort, I declined his offer. I like things how they are for the time being with Stevenson. Seeing as how he implicated that we treat one another as boyfriends right now I feel the need to wait for the perfect moment to ask him out.

I want a romance for the first time in my life. I don't want to rush since so far in my dating life that has gotten me nowhere. I feel like this really involves feelings and not just obligation. I want to have a good story with Stevenson, not a cliche.

With this I don't came an I do. An I do plan to be your boyfriend soon.

We're going on our second official date, Friday.

Stevenson

Yet again I have learned that someone will become a long-term character in the story that is my life. Stevenson is the latest of love interests and one of the most genuine at that.

It's been well over a year since my last real relationship (Ronnie). It's also been just over a year since I've crushed on someone hard (Sebastien). Now both are coming in the same package and I'm happy again.

I feel like myself again, now that someone has come along and shared part of my life with me. Although I may have met him only a short week or so ago, I'm smitten.

I still didn't feel like myself the first night that I drove out to Troy to see him. I didn't have that sparkle or the attitude, and my ego was dwindled nearly down to nothing. As I'm sure I have made clear, the glamour in my life is what keeps me going. My life had gone into a downward spiral of confusion. I didn't know which route to take and if I could go back to being Caesar Smithe.

Truth be told--I blame Stevenson. He gave me a reason to smile and look forward to everything whether it be work, school, or working on making him my boyfriend. We're the same type of person and I like that there is little to no competition between us.

I think he can see that I want to do this right. Stevenson knows that I've told people about us and what we've done but only he knows the happiness he given me by that.

I still feel like that insecure person that I was over the past four months. Some of the sadness and depression comes back for short waves and then I am reminded about how much I have going for me. Then I smile.

The first day that Stevenson, and I hung out my mouth began to hurt. Now don't get all perverted, because he doesn't kiss THAT aggressively. The gum on the right side of my mouth was swollen. I had checked it and the two teeth my orthodontist couldn't fix for the longest time finally closed up.

I was so happy that the next visit would be my last appointment before my braces would finally be removed. The two teeth look exactly how he said they would. They're far beyond perfect now.

Let's see how the next two weeks turn out because if I remember correctly, being someone other than Caesar Smithe was supposed to continue until Mother's Day. I still have another shopping trip that I need to get done and some more work on myself. I have yet to learn what I had intended to teach myself since I've gone back to my ways of complimenting myself in the mirror.

One of the biggest things that I needed to learn was when to set my arrogance aside. I have yet to master this with the people who have been in my life since before I decided to teach myself this lesson but I have with the new people who have come along.

Stevenson,

Right now, you drive me crazy.

Will you hold it against me?

Cyclical

This was the last week that she and I had to spend together before nothing would be keeping us together for most of the following week. She was beautiful, divine in every way. She reminded me of a fast-forwarded clip of a morning glory at the crack of dawn. She had an air about her that was irresistibly appealing.

When I would breathe around her the wind would go right through me. She radiated like the Sun and we were all the plants that fed off of her. Until this week, I had always felt like the Earth in this scenario. I fed the plants the nutrients and gave then the support they needed in order for the Sun to create so many things that depended off of her.

But what does the Earth matter anyways? It's bigger than all of us and it's right beneath our feet. The Sun on the other hand, is godly. It's astronomically far away and is completely untouchable.

Now who is to blame for the places of which the sun cannot penetrate? These places have little to no life without the sun. Alas, the world had revolved around her. This was exactly what the Earth and the Sun had intended.

The rain forest is the only place that is home to long-term effects of the sun while the poles are the only two places that never have the opportunity to continuously be in the Sun's innermost circle. At times, the whole world loved the Sun. The transition where one pole experienced long periods of dusk and the other experienced long periods of dawn, was when the Earth's accomplishments were most evident.

,

These moments are what the Sun feeds off of. Don't let this fool you though, the reaction of the rain forest to her is what she considers to be one of her greatest accomplishments.

Only one thing had ever distracted the Earth From the Sun. Although it seems to only tease the Earth with it's gravitational pull, the Moon is closer to the Earth and is much more accessible.

Every so often the Moon completely outshines the Sun. The Moon has a beauty that is beautiful and respectable but not so much overbearing and powerful.

During an eclipse the Moon takes the stage and reminds the Earth of how she consistently and fairly treats the Earth and how the Sun favors bits and pieces of the Earth. Moons come and go, and so do Suns.

After an eclipse, the Sun seems less powerful and becomes so typical and the Moon gains the extraordinary compliments that the Sun feels entitled to.

In time, a new Sun will take the stage. It still does all of the same things that the original Sun did. A new Moon will come and act exactly like the previous one did. The Earth, unlike the Moon and the Sun, remains the same.

The Moon revolves around the Earth, keeping him in check and watching his every move. The Earth revolves around the Sun, but if it weren't for the Earth then the Sun would have nothing to give her the sense of entitlement that she so craves.