Cheating

While the word cheating may indicate many different things, I think it is very obvious that I am not talking about my last Pre-Calculus test.

A few days ago I found myself thinking about how I would feel if I were to be cheated on. I thought to myself that I wouldn't care if I never found out and I didn't get an STD. As you can see, my iron exterior is starting to convince my subconscious that my emotions are composed of iron also.

For a while now, Stevenson has been telling me about an internet friend of his. I guess he lives in the backwoods of some retarded conservative state that won't turn blue any time soon. They've been friends for a very long time, of course. His friend submitted photos to Ford Models out of a recommendation. After multiple trips to New York and whatnot he was informed that out of thousands who submitted, he was one of the very, very few selected. So this kid has to be pretty damn attractive, right?

Stevenson told me that his friend was moving to New York last week. He wanted to visit him before he got famous. He didn't want his friend thinking that he only wanted to become his friend once he got famous--if he gets famous.

He made plans with me for yesterday, Tuesday, and therefore wan't going to go. He also said that he didn't really have the money anyways.

On Saturday night, Stevenson informed me that his friend had found more affordable tickets for him to come to the city. Stevenson made it sound like a day trip, so I didn't really give a fuck. As it set in, I came up with that half-baked notion of how I would feel if I were cheated on.

The next day I found out that it wasn't a day trip. It was an overnight trip. Stevenson was going to go on Monday evening. I figured he was going to be home on Tuesday night. I still wasn't worried because I still had myself convinced that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

This morning I found out that the trip was taking course over three days. He had stayed over for two nights. I felt like there was so much that I wasn't filled in on. I know that Stevenson is a little dense but why wouldn't he tell me how long the trip was. He was vague about the whole thing.

Today at school, I had a lot of quiet time to think to myself and I don't feel convinced that I have security anymore. Now I know that we've only been together since May 7th, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be peeved. Being in a relationship means that you're exclusive.

I got to thinking about why people cheat. I could only come up with the idea that people get bored of their sexual relationship. I had other ideas but I don't think that I have the right to question the mental sanity of others.

Am I a bad kisser? Am I bad in bed?

I couldn't see how this could be possible because whenever we're alone the only thing he wants to do is fuck and shit. The only time we seem to ever talk is when we're with other people. He's politically retarded and stubborn so he just talks crazy sometimes. It's like when we're having sex is the only time that I feel like he's enjoying my company.

So do I think that the last-minute, shady trip to New York City to see a long-term friend that he's never met, who's becoming a model was a booty call?

Why wouldn't I?!

I'm not going to say anything, or act different. I only have my suspicions.

It's not a judgement on my character. As long as I'm a good, honest person, I can live with myself. I don't have skeletons in my closet.

Eighteen

As you may or may not know, my birthday was November 23rd. Snooki's birthday happens to be the same day. Miley Cyrus' happens to be the same day and year.

This year is a milestone for me. I turned 18. While there are many amazing, life-changing things (or so people say), about this age, is seems like I could care less about them. Now I can drive after 9, I've been doing that since I started driving. I can buy my own cigarettes, finally, but I've been smoking for a year. I didn't buy lottery tickets, or porn, or go to a club (Outrage doesn't count since you just need to know the right people to get in there).

On my birthday I had a field trip to go New York City, to go to art museums. It was great, I love New York City.

I looked like a tranny, but let me tell you, there wasn't a single man who didn't check me out. I was the center of attention. I was the ring-leader to the fashion circus, that is New York City.

I spent most of the day with Elizabeth and her brother, Victor. This was slightly unexpected since Marilyn was on the trip, but she had other friends on the trip, and she knows how hard I've been crushing on Victor for the past few years. Elizabeth has an appreciation for fashion like me, she wore 5" heels to New York, even though she knew we'd be doing lots of walking. I appreciate that, since I looked hot as shit.

We had a lovely time, we bonded like never before. I'm glad to see that I have someone at my own school, who has an appreciation for similar things--and lives by it. She's like the Regina George of my school. And although I may be male, I'm like the Cady Heron. The difference in this story is that we work together to be powerful, instead of feeding off of each other's power in order to get ahead.

Her brother makes me speechless. In terms of me being Cady, he is my Aaron Samuels. I obsess over every little conversation, every little notion, every little glance, every haircut. When he smiles, I melt. When he talks to me, I get tongue tied, and insult him like a 6-year-old girl. There is one small detail though. He isn't officially out. Everyone questions his sexuality, all of his friends are girls, and his best friend agrees that he flirts with me, frequently, and hard.

In all honesty, I feel like Elizabeth and him have spoken about me, and she know. He flirts the same in front of her. She lets it happen. She even seems to encourage it, when I make jokes at him about liking me, which never fails in making him red, and flustered. I had just hoped he would tell me he liked me, since it was my birthday.

I'm a sucker for that corny shit.

In the end, it was a great day, Aneta got me a brand new Timex, which is exclusively sold at J. Crew. It's valued at $150. She remembered how much I wanted it, and I haven't thought about it in ages! She did good, I couldn't have had asked for a better gift.

Although Burlesque didn't come out at midnight, it was great since I finally got my phone replaced.

My teenage years are approaching their end. Let's see what else this age has to offer. Unfortunately, I don't think it's companionship.

Bonjour 2010!

I am back from my trip, and off of Winter Break.

That night Rachel and I picked up movies, I Love You Man, and The Hangover. We went to the hot tub at Outrage, and could hardly focus. We had a blast. It was one of the best nights I'd ever had at Outrage.

The next day, December 31, we slept in. We watched Jersey Shore, and watched the cast of Jersey Shore host a New Year's TV special on MTV. Despite the fact that we didn't go to Outrage, or any fabulous parties, I had a great time celebrating the New Decade with my best friend.

As I enter a new year, I don't feel it. I shouldn't expect to feel anything anyways. It's the same with birthdays, no matter how liberating the age, it's nice to know, but it doesn't feel any different. That day we went to New York City, you already know my sentiments on that! Later, we watched I Love You Man, and returned the videos that night. We later went out to a 24-hour Starbucks with Rachel's friend, Helen. She was cool, but I'm telling you--she's got more drama that any person I've ever seen on Jerry Springer.

The following day, January 2, we went to Garden State Plaza--the most fabulous mall I have ever stood in to date. This mall had everything: Nordstrom, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Sanrio, American Apparel, Juicy Couture, Macy's, Nordstrom, Forever 21... the list is ENDLESS. We were almost late getting me to my bus stop! But I got home, and met a stanger on the bus too.

The next two days consisted of normal routine, The GAP and school. I've been talking to Ronnie more also. I'm going to his house on Thursday. We're most likely going to hook-up. I sure hope so at least. Not to get serious and stuff, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Sometimes being beautiful doesn't mean anything if you're single.

Keeping Outrage at The Jersey Shore

Despite the fact that I'm in New Jersey right now, I brought a little part of Outrage with me. I took a bus to stay with Rachel, my best friend, until Saturday. Tonight we will probably visit the Outrage here, but I do like the one in Albany. Last night we had a Hot Tub Party here, it was pretty great if I do say so myself.

All of Rachel's friends from college came to the party along with some of her friends from around here. Everyone went out a little early except Joshua, and Maria, who stayed up and partied with Rachel and myself. The beer was nice, but the vodka was better.

Most of my evening was spent in the game room playing ping pong and pool. I made sure that my timid side was completely masked, and that good side was always facing forward.... I KNOW! WHICH ONE?! Just like Shuga, many pictures were taken of me, mostly good, but some not-so-good.

This morning we woke up at 11:30AM, exactly as Rachel predicted.

We then went to Edgewater, where I experienced the nastiest smelling low tide, and the fattest pigeons, and sea gulls. Maria casually offered me her last cigarette, which I accepted gratefully, and enjoyed fully. The view was beautiful, and just one river away was the greatest city there ever was. New York City. Someday this city would be mine, or at least mine to live in.

We visited a Japanese Supermarket which was astonishing. Everything written in Japanese, and place wreaked of dried foods, and raw fish. And I discovered I have an odd attraction the the smell of raw fish. Every corner I turned around had little chic orientals. I was in heaven.

Right now, Rachel and myself are making a run so when we can get movies before we go to Outrage. I'll never evacuate the dancefloor.