MIA

I've been missing in action for a little while. My computer broke weeks ago, and I haven't been able to write. Though I may not be able to tell about all of the adventures I have had, I can recall a few that have created milestones in my summer.

One weekend, I was with Diane. We went to the new grocery store down that road that just opened this summer. And we decided, that I needed to dye my hair, spice it up. So she and I decide to get bleach and go blond. We both went blond that night, but I went blonder. I loved it.

The next day I went to work and everyone loved it. Not a single person had a negative word to say (out loud that is). I felt great. When I got home that night though, I was deeply discontent. I hated it. In a panic, I called Diane, and she and I went and bought black hair dye. Once you go black, you'll always go back.

Lesson learned: BLONDS DO NOT HAVE MORE FUN.

The next event would be Mr. Yves Lazzari. Every year, this church in my county has a "Festa" and I go because when I went to private school in elementary school, that church was affiliated with the school. Diane and I went all three days, and it was wonderful. On the second day I picked up Italian pastries for Aneta and ran into Yves. He was tall and had a thick Italian accent which corresponded perfectly with his high cheek bones.

That night, I get a message on Facebook, and to my surprise, it was Yves. We were already friends. That night we had spoken on the phone for hours and had gotten to know one another. A week later he snuck me in his house, and we had a romantic night together (wink wink). He was a good kisser, but I ditched him.

Lesson learned: DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH DRAG QUEEN-CLOSET CASES.

Thirdly and lastly, is a story about the park. One of my favorite parks is called Stein-Metz Park. I spent the day there tanning and hanging out alone by the pond, just to have some Caesar time.

A little girl named Africa, comes up to me and attempts to give me a flower (which was just a yellow weed). I told her I didn't want it and she left. Shortly after, Africa comes over again and offers me yet another flower (which was just a different weed, that was white). I denied her gift once again, kindly. She interrupted me mid-sentence and scolded me, "TAKE THE DAMN FLOWER." I took it and she scolded me again as I attempted to set it next to me, "KEEP IT!" I kept it and she left me be. Adolescence is beautiful.... right?

Lesson learned: YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE TORMENT AND RIDICULE.

My Tears Rolled Into The Ocean

The tears I shed, and the sadness I occasionally feel just roll into a pit of previous emotions, much like water of the rivers that flow from the mountain tops, and are forgotten and blurred once they reach the ocean.

When I am struck with emotion of mostly any kind, it is fueled by sadness and desperation. Every previous event gets brought into my mind, and begins to escalate and create a more extreme emotion than that originally generated. Only I know how to please myself. I search for something with my eyes closed.

The Greeks thought that hope was evil personified. Seeing as hope is usually a wish against the grain of life, it comes to no surprise that Greek Mythology tells us this. Despite that some mythology states that one must not give up hope, since it calms all of life's other evils. On a day-to-day basis I open Pandora's box. Seemingly, nothing comes out except dust, and nothing is exposed except a dead spider, and a web it once called home.

I find myself released when I'm alone, or when I'm around those who know little of, or about me. When I'm in my bed alone at night, I think of happy things, all of the great little things. I don't feel how I was mistreated, or how I should have retaliated when I didn't. When alone in public, I almost feel notorious, since people see my standing freely, and seeing what I have portrayed myself as without other people near, forcing my image to become a shield.

I heard two people talking behind me in the hallway this afternoon after Algebra II and Trigonometry. The one girl said to the other in a confusingly sarcastic voice, "Work it! Work it girl!" Her friend replied, "He's so stylish though," and something else implying I was attractive. And the other said, "Oh I know." Once again I received the recognition that I should get, being my own personal character.

When I'm with people who are forever part of my life, I feel like they know too much and have invaded or violated a certain human right I have to my identity. I wish I could be as shut off as you, but I'm not.

Frequently, legislation is passed, and they fulfill their duty to make laws. It seems as if the President has a difficult time correctly carrying out these laws, and at times not even carrying out said laws. I am the President.

Everyone Builds Credit

Today was as average as could be, I was scheduled at GAP for 4:15-7:15. A blip of a shift. I had planned to get a ride from Aneta, but she was unable to do it since she was still at work, over 20 miles away. Simply, I had no ride to work.

I even called Diane, but still, no ride available.

Around 3:30 I finally worked up the courage to call. A voice answers the phone, "Thank you for calling GAP Outlet in Rotterdam Mall. This is Stacy, I can help you." I could hear the generic happiness and enthusiasm that accompanies answering the phone there.

I was relieved when I hear Stacy's voice. I was so glad that it wasn't Hugh. Despite the fact that I am seeing him more and more as a real human being, he still intimidates the shit out of me in terms of an employee-employer relationship. I told Stacy the truth, even though I heavily contemplated faking sick. I can fake sick pretty damn good too!

She laughed and exclaimed, "It's Okay! Employee of the Month!" She called me by it as if it were my name.

I smiled and said, "But I still feel terrible, you know?!" I really did just feel terrible about the whole thing. I had never called in a day of my life until today.

She comforted me with,"Everyone builds credit. And here, you've done just that. It's completely excusable." At the time this didn't seem very comforting to me, and I continued to just spill apologies out of my mouth. Looking back on it, it meant a lot to me.

I have learned that over the course of 8 months, I've been awarded Employee of the Month which people who have been there over a year haven't even gotten. I've built friends and healthy co-worker relations. And I have established a great reference. I've sorted clearance for hours. I've done other's floor plans single-handedly. I've delivered some of the best customer service that store has ever seen. I've earned it all, by working my fucking ass off!

Seeing that I have no one to thank but myself really takes any fear of independence out of me.

Misunderstanding?

At times I must admit that the games in life (because that is all life is composed of) really exhaust me.

Today after school, I had detention with Profesora. It was alright despite the fact that her room was ridiculously hot. I got home a few minutes after five, and took a nap since I was going out with Diane, late tonight.

Once I awoke from my shower Diane was over, and Charles and his faggot-ass "friend" were over. Diane told me that she said I had detention--she has to be the stupidest friend I have. Fucking A. Then she said that Charles opened his fat mouth (for something other than food for a change) to say, "He got caught smoking on the stage." Apparently Aneta believed him. She's pissed about that.

Aneta told me Charles is the biggest liar she's ever met. If she's sticking by that statement, I think Aneta is the most naive, foolish, desperate woman I've ever met.

The other day I was informed that someone posted an ad on Craigslist for me. And undeniably, someone who say me at work, had indeed wanted to meet me. He's 48. Right there he was untouchable territory. But apparently I'm an idiot and I can't handle anything myself. I think Aneta thinks I was going to give it a go. Sorry, I don't want to end up with 4 failed marriages, and several affairs in between.

Aneta was mad at Charles the other day, but after I got out of the shower they were dancing. Are you serious. I know why Kind Arthur doesn't understand them and got out of dodge. Charles said he could take care of Aneta all on his own, have fun with that burger boy.

I'm still having a bit of a personal struggle still. I feel ugly and unwanted 99.9% of the time. I'm just a try hard with over plucked eyebrows, too much makeup, and too much gel in his hair. I'm just waiting for a revolution.

Not Worth Europe

Today was an eventful day to say the least.

This evening, was King Arthur's Uncle's funeral. At the funeral Aneta seemed to be segregated... and he stayed with his family and left her alone all night. His family glared at her all night. To make a long story short she told him off. She then proceeded to drive home without him. His brother had to bring him to the house, and tonight he is spending the night at mommy's.

This evening after everyone left, Diane, Aneta, and I sat to watch The Ugly Truth, to get her mind off things.

During the movie Charles called yelling at me to get my name out of his mouth. Lately he's been spending all of his free time with his "straight" (meaning closeted) friend. Which I don't care about, I just don't understand why he won't tell anyone they're having an affair, or that he wants one at least. He even jumped up and down one night when he called--COME ON! He told me he heard everything Diane and I were "saying," which I actually didn't say anything. I wanted to talk to Diane about them so bad, BUT I knew she'd open her big mouth so I didn't say anything. And it's not like I could tell many other people because most of the people who know aren't anyone I'd want to chat about it with.

Then he told me he wasn't going to bring me to work anymore. And he said "He shouldn't have gone to Europe then!" while on the phone with Aneta. After he got off the phone, Aneta explained things. She told me that when she told me she'd let me go to Europe, that I had to choose between that and a car. SHE NEVER SAID THAT! She continued to say that the money she acquired was originally for a car, and she never said that. I am so nice when people give me stuff, if she told me it was intended for a car, then that's what I would have asked for.

And I mean this with every bit of my heart: if that had been the case, I would have gotten that car and signed a contract that I couldn't leave the country until I turned 50. I would give up everything from that perfect trip for a car. I have never regretted something as beautiful as the French countryside, The Italian Alps, Big Ben, even my new friends and Sebastien. I'd repeat the 11th grade if it meant I could change my decision.

I don't think I can ever look back on that trip the same way again. I never seem to make the right decisions despite how much of I pushover I am to my family. I don't even know how to take off this bulky invincible exterior and let someone in and be a real human being. I'm so tired of trying to be me... and failing every time.

National Honor Society

Today at my High School it was the day of the National Honor Society inductions. This means a ton on smart people talking about themselves and how great they are, and recognizing themselves as being a member of an academic hierarchy.

The four qualities are in their logo as CSLS, standing for character, scholarship, leadership, and service.

The first quality CHARACTER deals with personality mostly, but integrity (BARF) also. Most of the students up there have none. I do know for a fact that one of the boys being inducted even let someone give them head in their car in exchange for a ride. Francois was inducted too. His best quality is that he beats off in class. Whatever, I could think of a million people that have more character, GOOD CHARACTER, that are more worthy of being a member.

The next quality, SCHOLARSHIP tell us that the student has maintained a ridiculous GPA since the beginning of ninth grade. This also tells us that they've dedicated too much time and effort into good grades, and have diminished their social life. I get decent grades, and I'm definitely not going anywhere. Who is to say that just because someones GPA was off one quarter that they have less character, leadership, and service than another person?

The third quality, LEADERSHIP is one that I have the biggest problem with. The student that gave the speech on it has the least leadership in the school that I could possible fathom. She's just a cross-eyed, wall flower who doesn't answer questions voluntarily in the class room, and spends all of her spare time at church when she isn't at K-mart, working. I must admit though, the new inductees did posses this quality strongly.

Lastly, we have the quality of SERVICE. Don't you just love giving up insane amounts of your free time being nice and giving back to your community? I DON'T. These kids do so much to help out and it's great and all, but it's like geeze, get a fucking life. If everyone gave up some time every now and again we'd have plenty of people to help out, who cares if some people want to do it all. It's their choice. One of the people inducted is volunteering 40 hours a week over the summer and she's proud of it. I don't even want to give up 40 hours a week and get paid for it.

Most of the kids were dressed to a tee. But as Marilyn spoke one one girl's outfit, "She looks like she has a burlap sack wrapped around her." Trust me, she wasn't the only one who looked a fool. This cult is a joke in my eyes, but I'm proud of Marilyn for getting in since she meets the criteria in a healthy way. It'll look great on her college resume.

You don't need NHS to be famous, so I'm lucky.

The Texan

It was late Sunday night, and I had been home for several hours before my phone rang. The phone caught me completely off guard, and I didn't even have time to have the usual "I hope this is something interesting," thought. I looked at the phone, and it was Sonian--a reoccurring lover.

I met Sonian in 2008, when I still used MySpace. We had completely innocent interactions when we first began talking. But as time progressed, our conversations did too. I noticed eventually, that every conversation become more stimulating. I could feel my emotions being attached to him. Every time he texted or called my heart would beat faster each time. But come summer's end, our two-month foundation had dissipated into school books and real life.

As I grew socially in school, I wilted socially on the Internet. And I began to drop friends accidentally, and it was a downward spiral from there. But every now and again I would call Sonian and see how he was, or he would randomly pick up the phone and call me. Even though I knew it was real, I was skeptical.

It was near Christmas when I first told him I loved him. We would talk for hours and hours. He and I would discuss our futures together. We would talk about how perfect our love would be with perfect jobs, living in New York City, and never being sad or upset another day or either of our lives. I found every word that left his lips intriguing. I thought everything he said was ridiculously, overwhelmingly, adorable and sincere.

When he got a hold of me a few nights ago, he started with the charm immediately. He told me he had something to tell me, and of course I told him I was all ears, and that I was ready when he was. And he replied, "No, Guess!" I knew he had something cute to say. But I couldn't help but think he wanted to call for phone sex. But I had remembered that he told me he planned to go to New York City after graduation (this year). So I used that as my guess.

Conveniently I was right. He told me he was going to be coming for a week sometime after June 5th, but before the end of June. Less than a month. We spoke for another hour and the forever burning embers caught one small tree on fire, to ignite a forest fire that put any fire in California to shame.

It was more beautiful than ever to be able to say I Love You to him again. This reoccurring romance might have a chance to try to be more than a virtual forest fire. The only reason it's note-worthy is because we didn't break contact. This love has taken it's toll...