Three Things

The way I see it, there are three things that determine most of the satisfaction in one's life. Those three things would include occupation, quality of life, and relationships.

Currently I am still working at the GAP Outlet, and looking for a new job with more hours and more recognition and fairness. On August 8th, I had a job interview at Express in a larger mall. It was a group interview. I interviewed with 4 other girls, who were significantly under-qualified in comparison to me.

It wasn't until yesterday that they called me back to give me the good news that they wanted to hire me. I knew they would call, but there are other things going on that are keeping me stuck at the GAP. Thank goodness they they put me on a waiting list. The bad part, I lose the chance if I wait more than a month.

This is where we move onto quality of life. As you previously saw, I am dissatisfied with my job. My job is having a major impact on my quality of life. My hours are inconsistent therefore I never know how much money I will have coming in and what I will have extra or if I will even have what I need to pay my bills.

My car is falling apart on top of all of this, and I don't have any money to replace it at the time. I'm trying to get financed for a replacement but so far, no luck. I need to get a new job to get more money but I can't get a new job because there will be NO way of getting financed if I've only had a job for less than a year.

So at this point in my story I have a job that I hate and a chance to get a new job that I can't take but wish I could because it would improve my quality of life that is so low because of the dissatisfying job that I have. Keeping up? Hope so.

Relationships would be the last piece that determines the satisfaction in one's life. Some people might even argue that it can make everything better even when everything else if fucked up. I think I might believe that if it happened to me... but it hasn't.

Aneta is pissing me off in every direction, she's had this attitude since I turned 18 like, "Do it on your own." On the other hand Madame Dupont is such a lazy bitch that I can't bare to be home when she is. And just to throw it out there, they need to get it on already. Damn dikes.

Then we have Charles and his lover who now live together and bicker incessantly. They're driving me up a wall. They both come to me and talk shit about one another. They should just break up or stop being such catty queens. I can't handle the stress of lying to each of them when they ask if the other says the same things.

Stevenson is last. Stevenson is the reason that I haven't written lately. I feel as if he doesn't approve of this blog or anything that I have to say in it. I know the first time that I had mentioned him, it wasn't really in good context but who's fault is that? Not mine.

I haven't seen him in about two weeks which is a little frustrating but it's almost done and has passed quicker that I had expected. We've hardly spoken over these two weeks, and I don't really know why? OH WAIT! I DO! Because he ignores me. He said we'd skype, but that never happened even when I suggested it. He hasn't called me once, he's just bbm'd me infrequently. I can't even get a well written sentence (but his Facebook and Twitter can).

I thought that getting mad might make him see that he's fucking up... I was wrong. He apologized and the next day, things were the way I hoped they wouldn't be. Then I tried the opposite approach. I then told him not to text me until he came home, then after not speaking most of the day, I apologized to him letting him think he had me around his finger. That didn't work either.

Now here I sit writing this blog, while he thinks I'm sleeping because I'd rather just know why he's not talking to me. I found out a few other things that I would have liked to know sooner and he didn't seem to care about how I felt about that.

One might call my life chaotic, but this shit is just a straight up disaster. Everything is falling apart faster than I can build it back up. I'm putting so much effort forward and gritting my teeth, but I can't bare to be under this much pressure anymore.

I should really give up trying to satisfy all three pieces at the same time, but it would just be torture to myself if I let one keep getting worse in order to salvage another.

I'm just a real ass bitch in a fake ass world.

Le Sigh

When I woke up this morning my room was colder than expected. On top of this I have been having odd dreams almost every night. Waking up physically and emotionally uncomfortable.

I went upstairs to get a cup of coffee to find that Aneta and Madame Dupont had already woken up. Antea let me know that it was snowing and blah blah blah. She said she shoveled some of the driveway and the back deck. I didn't really care because I knew I would be doing the majority of the driveway alone.

Today was also payday so I had plans to get my money and go shopping. When I went to go start on the driveway I noticed that she hardly shoveled. There was a 5'x8' space that was shoveled and had already accumulated a lot of snow. It wasn't even close to my car, really.

It took me a little over an hour to finish the whole thing. I hauled ass, and it really did take a toll on my body. I didn't complain to her one word. I shoveled it for me, and she didn't need to know that. I knew I was free to leave after completing what she knows is never a very fun task.

I said to her, "It's cool if I go get my check and go shopping right?"

She replied, "King Arthur called and said the roads were really bad, especially by the malls."

I thought, of course it's the worst by every local shopping center. I had replied, "I shoveled the whole driveway for you, because I knew you couldn't do it. I've had all week off from school and this is my only day off to have any fun."

Of course she caved. I'm broke, and I need my money.

My car was all over the road on the way there, and it was kind of fucking awesome.

Anyways, I got to the mall, and to no surprise FedEx had not arrived with the checks. I waited at the mall for 5 hours and although FedEx had delivered packages and such to other stores, none to ours.

My day is ruined, and Aneta didn't feel bad at all. I'm sure she thought to herself that I was getting some kind of karma for traveling in the storm.

I feel like Jennifer from Jennifer's Body when she hasn't eaten in a while. On top of that I feel unpopular, lonely, and poor.

I'm realizing my inner loser.

Lock Me Up

Again being nice has gotten me nowhere, fast.

Today Charles had to drive me to school, because I let Madame Dupont borrow my car to go to the doctor. As always we were a little late to school, despite the fact that he know how much I hate to be late to school.

Anyways, he was also supposed to bring me home from school, because he needed me to take him to get his oil changed, and bring him to his boyfriend's after school. So I was going to do just that. I guess he just went to get his oil changed after school, and never came and go me, or let me know what was going on. Everyone got to see me wait in the rain as if I were some noob who doesn't have his own car, when in fact, I pay for my car entirely myself.

Madame Dupont picked me up from school since Charles is the most unreliable, asshole of a human being that has ever set food on this Earth.

I did something nice, I let Madame take the car, willingly too. I wasn't even mad that she needed it. But Charles had to rain on my parade.

I was so nice. SO FUCKING NICE.

I'm sick of being nice and getting nothing in return. I know I've done a lot of fucked up shit in the past, but for real? I've done plenty to make up for it, and gotten it handed back to me and then some. My horoscopes have also been very uplifting and delightful lately.

Whatever, whenever I get in a little argument with someone lately, I have to be the one to back down, which is completely out of character for me.

I want to dish it out so bad, like a big steaming pile of BITCH on a silver platter.

Saying things that don't exist.

Mr. Hilton

Mr. Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks...

A few days ago, a random guy added me on Facebook. Turns out he goes to a local high school, so I decided to keep him in my friends list, since he was obviously gay, and decent looking. He seemed really typical, nothing special. But let me tell you, I'm guessing his pictures are outdated...

On Wednesday, August 4th, he came into GAP Outlet, to come visit me. He had never been to the mall which my store is located, which was surprising since he didn't live that far away. Mr. Hilton looked much, much, more stylish and attractive than his photographs made him seem. He swiftly came up the side of the dominant column of the second "I wall" (a word used to describe the front display on a wall separating men's and women's), where I was working on separating newly marked down graphic tees from the ones that were still full price.

The night before he had told me he didn't like my hair (my hair). He told me it was too high and wasn't interesting. He told me it was boring, basically. I got over it, or so I thought. For some reason, Mr. Hilton's critique stuck. I haven't had hairspray in my hair in a few days. I've been wearing it forward (my hair).

This kid may seem like a prick, but you ain't seen nothing yet, bitches!

While the operator was clearly peacocking, he up-down-ed me. I thought nothing of it, people do it all the time. If only you knew how good my ass looked in these jeans, or so I thought. Before I could finish soaking up the looks in my mind he spoke, "Your jeans don't fit." I was like, mother fucking bitch say what?! Then he looked down on the 1.5" heel on my tan boots. He wasn't winning any points.

That night he IM-ed me and apologized profusely. He claimed, "I was really nervous." Who the fuck in their right mind insults the hottest piece of ass they've ever laid eyes on?! But whatever... after lots of guilt and conversation, we made plans for him to come over, today, at noon.

Aneta and Madame Dupont decided to go to the beach, leaving me alone with Mr. Hilton. We were talking the whole time except the last 30 minutes of his stay. At one point he said to me, "I"m definitely bigger." I laughed, climbed off of him, made myself visible (as did he), and I said, "Think again." His eyes lit up, and he bit his lip. He climbed on top of me, and kissed me...

Mr. Hilton, I like the way you push and glide.

Caesar + Ronnie

Last night I went over to Ronnie's house, in Amsterdam. This would be the first time that I'd seen him since your attraction to one another at the GAP. I was extremely anxious, especially since our conversations via text message and late phone call have gotten a little intimate.

This would be the first time I've actually had a real "love interest" since that ass hole from Rotterdam, Garret, that I hooked-up with. I was excited. He's Puerto Rican, and I couldn't wait to be with someone who wasn't white.

When I arrived around 5PM, he stood outside his house waiting. Aneta and Madame Dupont dropped me off, and were clearly staring to see what he looked like. He looked just like his photos, and exactly how I remember him at the GAP. I could feel the intimacy with our eye contact. I could tell how he felt, and how his mood was just from gazing into his eyes, and initiating conversation.

He led me into the first floor apartment that he and his sister, Roxanne, live in. The first room I saw was the kitchen, the whole house seemed slightly empty, but it was pretty clean from what I could tell. As we talked our tones got slightly more alluring, and seductive. He got closer, resting his hands on my hips, hugging me, and said, "I'm really glad you're here." From there he went in for the kiss. I wanted to be in control, so I turned my face slightly to the left, so that he just his the corner of my lips. He smiled awkwardly, and showed me the rest of the apartment, and then to his room.

We laughed and talked for some time while watching the History Channel on his bed. Being his birthday, and a control carving person, like myself, he said that he'd only kiss me, again if I sang him Happy Birthday. Keep in mind, he told me this about half an inch away from my face.

I declined his offer telling him that he wouldn't be able to resist me. He stopped holding my hand, that's how persistent he got. Finally, I gave in and sang the song. I leaned in to kiss him with full on tongue, surprising him, and making him VERY happy. I'm good at what I do. We spooned, kissed, and dry humped a little, almost naked in his bed for a while before his friends came over. In the act we had become boyfriends officially. Happy Birthday to you Ronnie!

While his friends were there, we had our own night of Outrage, and we drank.

On the way home I got touchy-feely in the backseat of his sister's Pontiac. We made out the entire way home grouping each other's you-know-whats. It was pretty fair in size. We arrived at my house, he kissed me in the driveway, romantically.

I went inside, and rest assured, Aneta and Madame were there. WAITING. They saw, and they knew that for the first time, I had real hope in a relationship. I was under the influence of lust.